Happy Halloween, Beeyotches!

God rocks because it's supposed to be 68 degrees today in NYC!!!!

There's nothing like unusually warm weather on Halloween. It makes the Greenwich Village Halloween Parade revelers even more fun and crazy!

If you live here, you'd better get your ass a costume and get the hell to the parade. It is something everyone MUST do. If you don't live here, we feel sorry for you. Halloween in NYC is the best.

Remember kids, check your candy for pins and razors!!!

Happy Halloween.

Love,
B!tch on the Street

The Grubber

So the guy you see here in the black jacket walked by Pookie and me today. We were enjoying our post lunch cigarettes, minding our own business.

He said, "Hey, someone have a cigarette for me?"

Now, when you have two BOTS in one place and you're rude....you're in BIG trouble.

Pookie said, "Hey?" Really, what way is that to address two lovely ladies?

I said, "Um....how about...NO!"

He moved along very quickly.

Here's some advice for grubbers. If you want a smoke...go buy one. That shit is almost $8 here in NYC!!! Don't ask people you don't even know for a cigarette. If you can't hold out and MUST ask, at least ask nicely. We probably would have given this loser 2 cigarettes if he'd approached it differently.

Double b!tch slap for him!

Have you ever...

FreakinRican stole, rather borrowed w/o permission, this from Blonde Justice so I straight up stole it from him!

To play, just cut & paste the list to your blog, and bold any of the ones that are true.

smoked a cigarette

crashed a friend's car

stolen a car we just borrowed it...

been in love

been dumped

shoplifted Ah....remember getting busted in Pathmark Pookie for stealing lipsticks?

been fired

been in a fist fight

snuck out of your parent's house

had feelings for someone who didn't have them back Brad is just an asshole anyway, so it didn't really matter. Angie can have his sorry ass.

been arrested

gone on a blind date

lied to a friend

skipped school

seen someone die--No! Thank God!

had a crush on one of your internet friends -- I have no internet friends. I may have a crush on Michael K though....

been to Canada

been to Mexico

been on a plane

purposely set a part of yourself on fire you never set your sock on fire to watch the fuzzy balls go up in quick flames and then die out???

eaten sushi

been jet-skiing HATED it

met someone in person from the internet-- Not my thing...

been moshing at a concert Believe it or not, we used to be rocker chicks!

taken pain killers I still do if the mood strikes!

loved and missed someone

made a snow angel

had a tea party

flown a kite

built a sand castle

gone puddle jumping

played dress up

jumped in a pile of leaves

gone sledding

cheated while playing a game

been lonely

fallen asleep at work or school

used a fake id since I was 15!

watched a sun set

felt an earthquake

touched a snake trouser snakes too, baby! Grrrrr...

slept beneath the stars it's overrated.

been robbed--only of my dignity, but that doesn't count here....

been misunderstood

petted a reindeer/goat They have these fainting goats in Napa that I petted AND sometimes at Christmas, they haul Reindeer into Roc Center. I've petted them too.

won a contest I win contests all the time...free Phantom DVDs, coffee mugs, etc...nothing great though.

run a red light/stop sign I don't condone this, but when you gotta go, you gotta go. Plus, there ain't no "Right On Red" in NYC.

been suspended from school yes...in-school suspension. What a gyp!

been in a car accident Again, with Pookie. Remember that dumb ass Pook?

eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night---surprisingly, I don't think I've ever done this. Drank a whole bottle of champagne by myself though....

had deja vu

danced in the moonlight I think I was on LSD though...does that still count?

liked the way you looked at least at one point in time I used to be so hot! Wait....I still am b!tches!

witnessed a crime saw a woman get pickpocketed, watched George Bush get elected president.

questioned your heart

been obsessed with post-it notes I actually am! I love post-its! Especially the colored ones!

squished barefoot through the mud

been lost

been on the opposite side of the country

swam in the ocean

cried yourself to sleep

played cops and robbers well who didn't?

recently colored with crayons they were at the table in a restaurant. I love coloring!

sung karaoke maybe you've heard of us? The Off Keys were regulars at a downtown dive!

paid for a meal with only coins paid for meals, cigarettes, beer....you name it.

done something you told yourself you wouldn't almost every day.

made prank phone calls Pookie and I were PRANK CALL MASTERS! For years. Even in college!

laughed until some kinda beverage came out of your nose Milk is the worst/grossest. Or soda....those bubbles totally clear your nasal passages!

caught a snow flake on your tongue

written a letter to Santa Claus I never showed them to my mom. Therefore, I never got what I wrote....or...maybe it was because I was on the Naughty list.

been kissed under the mistletoe by your boy/girlfriend

watched the sun rise with someone you care about

blown bubbles it's sad if you have never done this.

made a bonfire on the beach

laughed so hard you pee your pants this totally happened like, last week.

cheated on a test multiple times. That's why I have the great career I have today!

been kissed by someone you didn't like gross, but I'm sort of slutty.

gone skinny dipping in a pool /lake Pool only. I'm scared of lakes (whatever's in there ain't getting out....remember Nessie anyone?).

OK, that was maybe too long, but I had fun. And that's what matters most!

The Art of Ass Kissing...

I saw these fools when I was at lunch today. The guy who's face I blacked out was all, "I am great. My kids are geniuses. My wife is hot. I just went to Germany to pick up my Beemer and they taught me how to REALLY drive it.." blah blah blah

The worst part was that all of his little lackeys were like, "Oh you are SOOOOO cool! Your kids are so talented/smart/cute! Your wife is so pretty and boy, what a lucky girl she is to have you."

Please, I almost vomited my grape leaves! I wonder if he MADE them sit across from him like an audience would. What a tool!

The one b!tch in the right hand corner totally nailed me taking this picture. In her eyes, I saw shame. True shame at being part of this hopeless ass kissing contest. That's why I didn't hide her face. Look at it. Know it. Avoid it.

If you are going to ass kiss, at least keep your dignity people.

All of these b!tches are b!tch slapped!

Kat Out!

B!tches We Hate

The Burger King

This muthafucka freaks me out man! I didn't realize until recently that the BK you see here is the BK of the 70's. I saw this b!tch disco dancing in a BK commercial on "I Love the 70's". Now, he's made a comeback. I do not like this version of the king at all!

The other day, the BK near me was doing some promotional thing and they had this big headed fool there handing out coupons.

I almost screamed when I saw him! He's weird and really bugs me out. Therefore, he's a b!tch I hate! Shudder.....

Hometown Hero

Steve Buscemi

What movie HASN'T this Brooklyn born man been in? From playing the roles of Mr. Pink in "Reservoir Dogs" to Crazy Eyes in "Mr. Deeds", he's been everywhere.

I still think of Steve every time I wonder what time McDonald's serves breakfast until (it's 10:30am...I thought it was 11).

He's talented, he's from New York City, and he's a Hometown Hero!

The Food Bar...Ew!

Today I didn't have much time to grab lunch. I happened to walk by this huge "gourmet" deli and went in. Normally, I'd never go near a food bar since a few years ago they found some dude had been visiting multiple NYC delis with a spray bottle filled with his piss and spraying it on the food. Classic.

I just wanted a quick bite of something hot since it's chilly today. I thought....well, maybe I'll just get a scoop of mac and jack and go.

I approached the food bar timidly. Seriously, it's been like 3 years since I've eaten at a food bar. I walked all around and saw what they had. It looked really good. Very clean. Lots of people there, so I figured it must not be too bad.

Then it happened.

The woman you see in this picture (old lady, left of the food bar) was beside me. As I waited my turn for the mac and jack, she leaned in toward the fresh mozzarella with tomato and proceeded to pick a bit of cheese off WITH HER BARE HAND. I was horrified. But it gets worse. She then reached in, again with her hand, and picked up a piece of chicken from the chicken and broccoli bin! I said, "Excuse me. You're supposed to use the spoons to get what you want and put it in your container." She ignored me. For all I knew, this was her lunch...hand sampling everything at the food bar. I was too tired and she was too old for me to go off.

I put my container down and left the store.

Ew.

Quote of the Day...

Don't know if Pookie is able to post today, so....here's a true Friday post!

Puff puff, give. Puff puff, give. You're fuckin' up the rotation. --Smokey from Friday

Door Close, Door Close, Door Close

Someone recently told me about some comedian who jokes about how New Yorkers are the only ones who get into elevators and immediately begin hitting the "Door Close" button. How true! I myself am a fan of the old Door Close Move (which is this: get in elevator, select floor, press Door Close...three times...it makes it work faster! That's what I choose to believe anyway). I don't want any more people than necessary on an elevator! This is BOTS for God's sake!

Today I decided to take note of who pressed the Door Close button as I rode up and down in my building all day (hey, I have a LEGAL RIGHT to a smoke break...MULTIPLE smoke breaks). Wouldn't you know that EVERY SINGLE PERSON (minus one weirdo who looked like she was from Waukesha, Wisconsin so she doesn't count) that I saw get into the elevator pressed their floor and then pressed Door Close....repeatedly. One guy did press Door Close, but when a woman stuck her arm in the doors as they were shutting, he quickly hit Door Open. I was impressed with his hand to eye coordination, because I can't tell you how many times I've been in the same situation and accidentally hit Door Close instead of Door Open. Habit, I guess.

You knew New York City was exclusive....you just didn't know how far it went!

Hometown Hero

Sean Combs

Puff Daddy, Puffy, P. Diddy, Diddy.....and the cow jumped over the moon.

Whatever this b!tch is calling himself these days, it's fine by BOTS. You know why? Because this NYC born babe is RICH....I am talking R. I. C. H. OK?

He does have drive and ambition, knows how to sample other artists' work really well, can open restaurants that are mediocre at best but do really well anyway, and he puts out clothing lines for young thugs.

But he's a Hometown Hero because he's got the bling....or the ice...or the hizzook up.

More power to you Puff! I mean, P. Wait, that's Diddy. Aw...fuck it, SEAN! You, my friend, are a Hometown Hero.

Now go change your name again.

It Ain't That Big, Buddy!

So, have you ever sat next to someone on the train (by the way....we New Yorkers call the subway the train. Someone asked BOTS what train we take. We take a lot of trains...so don't do anything rude, or BOTS may get you!) who INSISTS on keeping their legs spread wide open? This seems to be exclusive to the men folk on the train. I mean, the seats are barely big enough as it is. I don't need you sitting there with your legs wide open impeding my limited space even further.

I say to those men who do this....it ain't that big, buddy! So, what gives?


Happy Hump Day ya'll!

Off the Wagon

Good morning kiddies. You know, I am a born and bred New York City girl, but sometimes, even I fall off the wagon that is this great city. Life is tough here....take today for example...I'm off the wagon today. Here's how it's been so far:
1. I get up to shower and there's no hot water....again. DAMN that super. He said the water was going off at 9. Not 7!
2. After freezing my bazongas off in the shower, I decided to put on one of my best work outfits. Nothing like looking good to feel good. However, when I got on my train this morning, I got bashed by the closing doors (they're not kidding when they tell you to stand clear!) and now have a lovely black stripe down one of my best jackets!
3. In order to get to work in a timely fashion, I need to transfer trains and catch the express which is across the tracks from the train I'm on first. Today, the express was in the station! With glee, I waited by the door for my train to open and allow me to dash happily to the express. Alas, twas not to be. My train held me hostage and I watched others jump on the express. It took off just as my door opened. Sigh.
4. I finally get to my stop (after waiting like 8 minutes for the next express train...WTF????) and ascend to the street. I headed straight to my favorite bagel shop for breakfast. I place the order I've been placing every day for over a year. "Everything toasted with cream cheese, please." "Sorry, no everything today." I swear, this has never happened to me. So I said, "OK, make it a plain with cream cheese then."
5. I get to my workplace, sit down to eat, and take out my plain bagel.....with butter. Ugh.

So that got me thinking my usual Off the Wagon thoughts....I'm done with this sh!thole. I can't take it. If I lived in Montana or New Mexico, life would be different! If I lived in Montana, I could drive to work. There's no speed limit up there, you know? My commute would be great! Driving 100 mph with no other traffic....maybe a moose or 2 in the road, but no biggie. Hell, if I lived in Montana, I could own a ranch and never even leave my own land!

But.....do they have everything bagels in Montana? And...I'm not much of an outdoorsey girl...maybe a ranch isn't for me...

OK, now the mantra: I love NY, I love NY, I love NY, I love NY, I love NY.....

B!tches We Hate

Rosie O'Donnell

Do I really even need to elaborate? This butch bitch drives me crazy. I think it's because SHE'S crazy. I pity her partner and her children. Imagine hearing that mouth all day! UGH!

She gives New Yorkers a bad name!

Hometown Hero

The Beastie Boys

Check check check check check it out. The Beasties are actually Hometown Heroes. These Brooklyn-born boys rock the mic like no other and that makes them Hometown Heroes!

Keep making the music that makes NY dance boys! BOTS loves ya!

Quote of the Day

Keeping it real for you Pook. Also keeping with the "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" theme!

"Never jump into a pile of leaves with a wet sucker."--Linus VanPelt

Umbrella Etiquette

Good morning boys and girls. It's been raining for a week straight here in NYC so I feel this issue is of timely importance. Today on BOTS, we will discuss the little known, and, even more little practiced, art of umbrella etiquette.

You see, kids, when you live and/or work in New York City, you will need to know how to properly respond to rainy days. If you don't, BOTS may come and bitch slap you. You don't want that do you?

When it is raining, and one has to utilize one's umbrella, it's important to think of the others on the streets that who need to use their umbrellas as well. Here are some key rules of umbrella etiquette:

1. If you carry one of those really big and long umbrellas with the metal poker at the end, you are an asshole. You're an even bigger asshole if you carry said umbrella folded up and under your arm like a spear. You poke me with that thing, and there'll be hell to pay.
2. When you are walking down a crowded sidewalk using your umbrella, you must try your best to not hit, poke or stab anyone with your umbrella spokes. This is essential to your own safety and health.
3. To elaborate on the point above, you should try to gauge the height of others and their umbrellas and then adjust the height of your umbrella accordingly. That way, you can avoid any unseemly encounters with other umbrellas (or eyeballs).
4. If you do bash someone with your umbrella, excuse yourself. Nothing is worse than getting beaten by some jerk's umbrella and then to have them not say a word of apology.
5. When you get to a revolving door, FOLD UP YOUR UMBRELLA. You wouldn't believe how many people I have personally seen get stuck in a revolving door with their open umbrellas.
6. On the subway, again I say FOLD YOUR SHIT UP! Don't wave your wet umbrella around getting the mucky subways even muckier (and more slippery)!
7. Once inside your destination, do not stand there and quickly open and close your umbrella, hoping to wick off the rain. It doesn't work. All is does is spray others like a wet dog. Get to your final destination, open that shit up and lay it down to dry like a civilized person.

I hope these rules will keep you safe and dry!

Happy Friday ya'll!

Quote of the Day

For Pookie....who at this very moment may be getting rich!

"I've learned that there are three things you don't discuss with people: Religion, politics, and the Great Pumpkin." ---Linus VanPelt

New Yorkers Don't Do it That Way!

Well, by now you've noticed that I loves me my NY pizza. There is no other like it in this world....not even in Italy (sorry Carmie). So, yesterday, I decided to grab myself a little slice of heaven at my local pizza dive (sometimes those are just the best....after the pizza truck that is, but more on that at another time).

I got my slice and it was steaming hot. I couldn't wait to eat it, so I grabbed myself a plastic knife and fork and started to dig in. The pizza place was full of wet tourists (did you know they sell I Love NY rain ponchos...just like the ones in Disney World? I didn't. They are totally LAME! Buy yourself a fucking umbrella for that $5!...sorry, on a rant there). One man turned to his wife and nudged her. Then, he said to me (with a big shit eating grin on his face), "Miss, I know you're not a New Yorker, because New Yorkers don't do it that way!"

As you know, BOTS does not like being approached by tourists in the wild. However, they are good fodder for this site!

I slowly chewed my pizza and just stared at the man. He kept giggling, but I got the distinct impression that he started to realize that I was indeed a New Yorker. I swallowed, took a sip of my Doc Brown's Black Cherry, and said, "New Yorkers don't do WHAT and in WHAT way?" He said, "Eating pizza with a knife and fork....I'm only joking with you." His wife tried to pull him away to look at the pizza case. I said (in my best BOTS voice), "Do you know what New Yorkers do do?....They mind their own goddamn business." I really said "goddamn" too! The tourists HATE being cursed at. He apologized as his wife gasped and they scurried off.

I kept on eating my slice.

Back off bitches! I'll eat my food any GODDAMN way I want to!

B!tches We Hate

John Basedow

It's too rainy on the streets to go bitch at the "normal folk".

Lord, help me. I hate this sonofabitch! He haunts my TV with his "Fitness Made Simple" commercials. C'mon John. We all know that old lady is your mom.

Look at his pecker in this shot.

He is so gross....

BREAKING NEWS....

Candy Corn is actually made with Crack!

It must be because I can't put this shit down! I may try smoking it later.

Every year, I go through this. I eat candy corn for the entire month of October. I'm talking I eat until my teeth actually hurt. Why else would I do this if not because that shit is made with CRACK!???

Yum....going in for more...this time I'll try holding it in for a little to see what happens.

Kat Out.

Hometown Hero

Andy Milinokis

Although this Queens-bred man looks like a boy, he's actually 29 years old. He has his own MTV show where his crazy antics are documented. BOTS especially enjoys the skits where Andy is out on the streets of NY talking to anyone who will listen. Andy is one crazy motherfucker, and that makes him....a hometown hero.

Keep on keeping on Andy!

In Fourteen Hundred Ninety Two....

This bitch sailed the ocean blue.....and he found the Caribbean (good job Chris!). However, somehow, we are celebrating his birthday to this day! I mean, the Caribbean is awesome (Jamaica has mad goods yo!), but do we really need a fake holdiday for this guy? Seriously, who has off today? School kids, some banks (the Chase on the corner here is open today) and there's no mail service today. Whoop-de-do. I'm still at work. If this were a real holiday, I'd still be snuggling with my comforter!

At least I can listen to the parade.

Happy Colombus Day ya'll!