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B!tch on the Street

Days and nights in New York City are tough enough without having to deal with all the sh!t this city dishes up. B!tch on the Street tells the tale of two ladies making their way through this crazy town...one freak at a time.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

B!tches We Hate...


Doctor Zizmor

This loser's ads are all over the New York City subways touting his clear skin plans. He also has radio spots where his clients say, "Thanks Dr. Zizmor!" over and over and over again.

Well, we at BOTS say, "No Thanks Dr. Zizmor!"

We hate you!

The pic here shows an ad that this loser had up after September 11th. Thanks for saluting us you prick! Now, give us some free skincare, and we'll believe you really mean it!

Friday, November 25, 2005

J. Crew's Dirty Secret...

A co-worker sent me this link today. I'm no tree hugger, but this is nasty. Watch the videos on this site about how J. Crew gets the fur for their clothing.

AWFUL!

http://www.jcruel.org/

Twinkle Twinkle Little Star...


OK, so it's the day after turkey day: "Black Friday". Everyone else is either shopping or sleeping in their cozy beds (it's 22 degrees here in NYC today).

I, however, am working.

I spent Thanksgiving with my family and slept over my parents' house last night. Therefore, I had to take a bus to get back to the city to get into work. This is a popular day for people to bring their kids to work.

On the bus was the cutest little girl with her dad. She had one of those little LeapFrog electronic toys with her. The toy plays "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" for the kid. The kid is supposed to play the keys at the same time. This special little child played the WRONG keys so all we heard was the song (along with a stupid voice) and the girl singing in her squeaky voice while playing the wrong notes.

I was amused for about the first 2 times we heard it.

This continued for a good 20 minutes.

Her dad kept saying (distractedly), "Turn that down honey."

She didn't.

So, I stepped up to the plate. I said, "Excuse me, sir. Your daughter is very good with the keyboard (and I smiled at the little sh!t), but it's awfully early in the day to keep hearing that song...". Others behind me seconded my opinion with, "Yeah, give it a rest!" or "Please, turn that down!"

The dad said he was sorry and then took the LeapFrog toy away from the kid. That was the mistake.

This kid FREAKED out. Screamed, kicked, cried, etc.... The dad was totally helpless.

Finally some other passenger said, "This is worse than the song! Give it back to her!"

So he did. Her tears dried up immediately.

And we were all treated to another full half hour of "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star."

Ah.....children.

Happy belated Thanksgiving ya'll!

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

B!tchslapping my own a$$....

Lesson learned. Sometimes, being a BOTS makes life worse for you.

Case in point...today. I do not normally answer or in any way respond to people in the morning. Sometimes I hear, "Miss...excuse me!" or "Kat! Hey, Kat!". I ignore all of them. If they're calling me "miss", they don't know me and just want directions or something. If they are calling me "Kat" they do know me, but I may not want to know them back. I HATE running into old high school friends or old co-workers. Those catching up conversations are bad enough without having them first thing in the morning on a cold and rainy day.

So, today, I hear, "Miss!" from one person. A couple of seconds later it was, "Hey lady!" from someone else. I kept going. Annoyed by the masses.

It was only when I had placed my breakfast order, gotten my drink and went to pay that I realized what they may have been wanting. The $10 bill (the ONLY money I had on me) that I had so gracefully balled up and shoved in my pocket as I came out of the subway was no longer in my pocket. I was forced to use the sketch ATM at the deli and was banged with a $2.50 transaction fee!

I can only assume that people saw it fall and tried to warn me, but I out-b!tched myself by ignoring them.

As penance, I now will have to pay attention when people say, "Excuse me..." or "Miss!". I also know that for the next 50 times I respond, I'll regret it. But, I have to learn my lesson somehow!
I feel like the paperboy from "Better off Dead"....except, I don't want $2...I want my $10!

Monday, November 21, 2005

Have a Holly, Jolly....THANKSGIVING!


So today, on my way to work, I couldn't help but notice that Christmas has fully arrived in New York City....and it's not even Thanksgiving yet! The tree is up in Roc. Center. Holiday displays now adorn every window in the stores. To top it off, one local radio station (106.7 Lite FM) is now playing non-stop Christmas music!!!

This is getting ridiculous. I feel like Linus in the Charlie Brown Christmas special. Christmas comes earlier every year!

I love the holidays as much as the next BOTS, but I want to take my holidays one at a time. Where are the pilgrim decorations? The cornucopias? That lame a$$ Adam Sandler turkey song?

Now, that it's "officially" the holiday season, look for many posts on holiday rudeness....I know we'll find it on the streets!

Happy Monday ya'll!

Friday, November 18, 2005

Oh, I'm VICIOUS today...


This morning, yet again, some jerk let a door close right in my face. I was RIGHT behind him and the wind was whipping around outside. He scooted out the door of my bagel place and let the door smack back at me.

So what did I do?

I YELLED (no kidding, people totally must think I'm nuts or on the rag) "You stupid fvcking asshole. Thanks for slamming the door in my face!"

He kept walking. I breathed heavily and looked at others on the street...DEFYING them to say something.

Then, I realized I was freezing my bazongas off and took off.

I swear, I don't have PMS or anything!

p.s. The picture on this post has nothing whatsoever to do with the post. It's a pic I took with my trusty camera phone of a restaurant I was at last night called Citrus. It was awesome! Believe it or not, I had spaghetti and meatballs! It's an Italian, Mexican, Japanese fusion joint. Sounds gross, but it's great. I really liked how this picture came out.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

The Over-the-Shoulder Reader

I've been a very disgruntled subway passenger the past couple of weeks. This morning, by some miracle, I got a seat on the train. This is a rare occurence so I was very happily settling in to read my book. Usually I'm hanging on a pole or if I'm lucky I get one of those spots where I can lean undisturbed - have I ever mentioned how lazy I can be in the mornings. So anyway, I'm on one of those end seats and at the next stop a guy gets one and comes to stand next to where I'm sitting. All of the sudden I get the feeling like i'm being watched so I look up and the bastard is reading my book over my shoulder! Are you kidding me? It's a book that I'm in the middle of! How can this possibly be of interest to him without having read the first 100 pages! So I look up and give him the raised eyebrows (we all know this roughly translates to "Mind your own business" in this situation). The asshole quickly looks away. Back to my book. And yet again I feel this guy's eyes on me! Now I can almost understand if I was reading a newspaper - it's still rude but at least then I would say maybe he's looking at the headlines but a book?? So now I look up and say "Can I help you?" And he stammers "Uh I was just looking at your book." "Yes I noticed and it's annoying." "Ummm sorry" A few minutes peace and he's back at it again. At this point I give him my best BOTS look, loudly close my book at put it away. What the fvck asshole, pick up one of those free papers to read in the morning and leave me the hell alone!

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Hometown Hero...


Billy The Kid (a.k.a. Henry McCarty)

Born in New York City, Billy the Kid moved west and became one of the most famous outlaws in American history. He was quick with his gun and his temper and was expert at escaping from small-town jails. Hey, what else would you expect from a New Yorker???

The Kid nearly got on the right side of the law in 1879, arranging to surrender and receive a pardon in exchange for his testimony against others, but the pardon never quite arrived and he went on the lam again. In 1881 he was arrested, tried and convicted of murder. He escaped, killing two deputies in the process, but was hunted down three months later and shot to death by Sheriff Pat Garrett. No wonder he looks so jammed up!

What a bad-ass! And because of this, Billy's a Hometown Hero.

Oh Sweetie....Who Told You That Looked Good?


Lately I've been noticing a LOT of men wearing toupees. What is up with that???? Today I saw the sweetest old man on the train. He was about 80, I would guess, and he was wearing a little cardigan and cap. So cute! When he sat down, he took off the cap and out came...his rug! He spent the rest of the ride adjusting it. The saddest part was that he looked so happy with himself. Like, "They'll never know this isn't my real hair!".

Who lets these people out of the house like that? Don't they have any friends and/or family who can tell them the truth....it looks AWFUL!

People, I implore you, stop the use of toupees. They are nasty and never look good...no matter what you think!

Help the baldies everywhere...rid the world of toupees!

Monday, November 14, 2005

Bitches We Hate


I really do hate this bitch. I think she looks like a frog. Her over-bubbly personality, relentless brainwashing of J.T., and her nails-on-chalkboard voice make her one of the most obnoxious bitches in Hollywood. Is it me or does she play the same role in every movie? The so-called lovable, ever perky dumb blonde. If I never heard that stupid laugh of hers again I would die a happy woman.

Quote of the Day

I hate Mondays. I think we should start a boycott of them!


"Peter Gibbons: Let me ask you something. When you come in on Monday, and you're not feelin' real well, does anyone ever say to you, 'Sounds like someone has a case of the Mondays'?

Lawrence: No. No, man. Shit, no, man. I believe you'd get your ass kicked sayin' something like that, man."

Friday, November 11, 2005

B!tches We Hate...


Celine Dion

Oh Lord, where do I begin? Celine is probably one of the most annoying people on the face of this earth. Her voice (nice accent b!tch!...you're from CANADA...French Canada or not, come on!), her warbling notes ("neeeeearrr, faaaarrrrr, whereeeeeever you arrrrrrre..."), her face (even after all that dental work and plucking), her hair (I don't even know if she really HAS hair), her hideous wardrobe, and last, and certainly not least, her husband/father. That is just so WRONG!

Now she's talking about cloning another poor child! She shouldn't be allowed to do this until she cuts the first one's hair!

We HATE you Celine. It's nothing personal really, it's just you!

Quote of the Day

Happy Friday!

"Weed is from the earth. God put this here for me and you. Take advantage man, take advantage. " Smokey

Veterans Day, November 11th

"November 11 is the time to honor all who have fought in various American wars."--some Internet site

BOTS would like to take this opportunity to thank all who have given their own freedom in order to protect ours.

HOWEVER, let it be noted that this BOTS is still at work today. I find this to be disgraceful. I should be able to honor veterans AT HOME! IN BED! IN MY PJs! But....at least my a$$ didn't have to go fight any wars. I may be tough on the streets of NYC, but that sh!t wouldn't fly in Iraq! So, thanks ya'll!

There is a parade up 5th Avenue today that goes right by my place of employment. At least I'll get to hear some bands.

Happy Friday!

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Quote of the Day...

" 'Normal' is just a cycle on the washing machine." - Whoopi Goldberg

The Umbrella Scraper

I know that Kat has posted umbrella ettiquette before but I just had to add this one in. Last night in rain in NYC - I mean poured! I was drenched by the time I got to the train. Anyway, when I got off the train (after having my hearing assaulted by the subway singer) the woman walking in front of me had one of those bigass golf umbrellas. And she dragged it through the WHOLE subway station! OMG - it was like fingernails on a chalkboard! It was driving me crazy! I tried to get a pic but I'm not a stealthy as Kat and I was almost caught so I gave up. But please if you HAVE to carry an umbrella that size PICK THAT SHIT UP! Thank you for reading my second rant of the day!

The Subway Sing Along

I'm a huge fan of music. I have no problem with people listening to their headphones on the subways. What I have a problem with is the people who sing along to whatever they happen to be listening to. For the most part, these people are horribly offkey - hey I can't sing either but I don't serenade train loads of people either! Last night as I stood on the train with a blinding headache, there was a woman sitting down listening to her headphones singing along to Celine Dion! Now I happen to hate that bitch (I'm sure she'll make her way to the Bitches We Hate section soon enough). Hearing her sing is bad enough, hearing some one who CAN'T sing try to hit those notes is almost unbearable! As if that wasn't bad enough the bitch then switched to Whitney Crackhead Houston! She was dressed nicely so I'm pretty sure she wasn't one of the crazy people who frequent the subways. She just sat their with her eyes closed singing along. I'm not talking softly singing along here, I'm talking belting it out at the top of her lungs!
Was Pookie the only one annoyed? Certainly not! Most people were glaring at her, some were laughing and all the while she sat there clueless.
Bitch - shut the FVCK UP! I've had to listen to crap all day at work all I want is a little peace and quiet while I ride the train home!
I'm rounding up the subway preachers and the subway serenaders for a bitch slapping session - anyone want to join?

If You're Homeless, Why are You Eating McDonald's?


Every morning, I pass a gentleman who I believe is homeless (why the fvck else is he sleeping on the sidewalk with a sign saying "God Bless"?). Today, some d!ckhead saw him eating from a McDonald's bag (I need to note that there's a Mickey D's right across the street from where this guy sits). The d!ck said, "Hey, if you're homeless, why are you eating McDonald's?" He repeated the question a few times, but the homeless guy didn't look up. That stopped this BOTS right in my tracks. I wheeled around and said, "Why are you messing with him?"

The homeless guy could not have cared less and ignored both of us. He kept on munching his hash brown happily.

Here's how it went from there:

D!ck: "I'm just saying, if someone is homeless, maybe they shouldn't be spending whatever money they have at McDonald's."
Kat: "How do you know someone didn't buy it for him? There's a McDonald's right there. AND, did you consider the fact that McD's is cheap food. He can take his money that he collects out here, go over there, and get a huge meal for like $5!"
D!ck: "What are you, in PETA?" (He really said that, kids!)
Kat: "No, I'm just human and can't stand to see assholes bothering people."
D!ck: "No one asked you."
Kat: "YOU did, you d!ck!"
D!ck: "There's no need to call me a d!ck! Blah, Blah, Blah..."

Then I threw a few quarters and pennies I had in my bag in the homeless guy's box. He nodded at me and I took off.

What ASSHOLES there are in this world! And PETA????!!!!

He's lucky I didn't hit him!

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Wipe that Face off your Head, B!tch!


I noticed upon signing on to Blogger that this is BOTS's 100th post. Go us!

I'm in a foul mood today. The title of this post captures my angst. I don't know what it is! Maybe candy corn withdrawal.

I met up with Pookie (the REAL Pookie, not the faker who is posting using Pookie's name) to do a little shopping and I was raging! I even felt like hitting little children that were knocking into us. Damn that Build A Bear store!

Oh well...nothing that exciting for our 100th post, but a good line from an even better movie is our title.

Remember, be nice...or BOTS will b!tch slap you!!!

Quote of the Day..

Get out there and vote people!

"The ballot is stronger than the bullet." - Abraham Lincoln

Monday, November 07, 2005

Any way to make a buck..


You have to love the entrepreneurial spirit of this city. I've seen people selling everything from CD's to potato peelers (little old man with a box and variety of fruits and vegetables to peel - he was so cute I almost bought one!) So the other day I was walking down the street and came across this news stand. I was waiting to cross the street and happened to glance down and see the sign above. The box is filled with outdated magazines. I know that the pic isn't the greatest but the sign reads "Read a Mags? Here 1$ Mag" You know BOTS couldn't pass this one up...

Pookie: Umm excuse me, what exactly does this sign mean?

News stand lady: You pay $1 and read magazine.

Pookie: Do I have to read it here?

News stand lady: Yes you read here.

Pookie: Can I take it to the bench over there and read it?

News stand lady: NO you read HERE!

Pookie: Ok so how long do I get?

News stand lady: 10 minute.

Pookie: I have to pay you $1 but I only get to read for 10 minutes? Thats not even long enough to read a whole article. Does anyone actually pay for this? I mean I guess I could see if the magazines were recent and there was only one article that you wanted to read then maybe this would make sense but only if you were a speed reader. (Damn anyone remember speed reader from the Great Space Coaster? I LOVED that show - I think it was the last thing I willingly work up early for.)

News stand lady: OK you go now.

Pookie: But what if I wanted to read for 10 minutes?

News stand lady: No, you go now. I got headache.

Pookie: Ummm ok.

Pookie got the boot but I also got a laugh out of it!

Unbridled Gassion


Ladies and gentlemen, this post is not for the weak of heart (or nose). Today, a horrible thing happened to me while on my way to work. I must share this, because this is a HUGE B!tch on the Street offense and I hope this never happens to you (but it will, because people are fvcking pigs).

The man you see here is an Unabashed Farter. Yes, you read right. He's an open farter. His "natural gas" permeated my being this morning and damn near killed me.

I was sitting sort of diagonally across from this Wall Street looking tycoon. Suddenly, I heard the sound of ripping. It came directly from him. Ever the one to give people the benefit of the doubt, I looked at his clothing to see if something had torn.

No, my friends, the only thing that was torn was his asshole. The next thing I know, a wall of stank hit me. It smelled like this bastard had just Hershey squirted in his Bill Blass boxers. I looked around in horror as I watched the stank hit the other innocent vicitms on the train.

The Unabashed Farter just sat there. In all honesty, he looked sort of smug and had a slightly bemused smile on his face as he read his Wall Street Journal. I HAD to comment to my seat neighbor, "Oh my God. That is disgusting." She agreed as we both took our scarves and put them to our noses to protect ourselves.

The stank hung there like the scent of death. It seemed like an eternity until the next stop came and the doors opened, allowing some "fresh air" (HA! Imagine subway station air being called fresh...but in comparison, it was the fvcking air of life!) to enter the car.

I took out my trusty camera cell phone, held it up (you know you're not supposed to take pictures on the trains...it's illegal! Part of the whole anti-terrorist movement.) and took this man's photo. I considered allowing his face to show, but then realized that this gassy bastard could be a lawyer or something and thought better of it. I didn't really hide what I was doing, and he really didn't seem to care. He just sat there, festering in his own stench and probably squishing his wet poop between his butt cheeks. EW!

Farts hurt people. Hold that shit in you bastards!!!

Friday, November 04, 2005

Talk Him Down to 10!


The other night I heard a commercial for that Chris Rock show "Everybody Hates Chris". He said that his dad felt that $10 could get you anywhere or anything in life. Little Chris said, "But Daddy, what if it costs $11?" His father replied, "Talk him down to 10!"

Well, I tried to do that today with one of our fine New York City street vendors. I wanted a pocketbook (that sounds so old and lame...a "bag" is what I really call it!) that was marked $15. Now, back in the back in the, you could haggle with the street vendors. In fact, most still do.

I said to this guy, "Hey man, can you do better than $15? I have $13 with me and I need to buy lunch." The man said, "$15 is a good deal! This is a beautiful bag! You won't find it for cheaper anywhere else."

Ever the haggler, I said, "C'mon dude, $10." (Remembering Chris Rock here) "A girl has to eat!"

He said, "Miss, this bag is $15. It ain't $10, it ain't even $13. $15 or nothing!"

Now, if he hadn't been such a d!ck about it, I probably would have ended up paying him $15. But, BOTS can't take that. I said, "If you're looking to lose money, that's your problem." I dropped the bag and took off.

I am going back after work. At 5:00pm (especially on a Friday) vendors get restless. They need to sell their sh!t. I'll let you know if I could talk him down to $10!

Hometown Hero


Joseph "Reverend Run" Simmons

Reverend Run is the shizzit baby! This Queens-born king of rap is awesome. Run DMC was a pioneer in the rap world and they were also instrumental in Aerosmith's new-found success. Sadly, Jam Master Jay, their DJ, was murdered a few years ago. Reverend Run keeps JMJ's spirit alive. His new album rocks and his new reality show is great.

Reverend, God bless you. You're a Hometown Hero!

Quote of the Day

I would never claim to be a fan of his but I thought this quote was funny...

"I do believe the Democratic party has moved far to the right. I do believe that the party has a bunch of elephants running around in donkey clothes. " - Al Sharpton

The Subway Preacher

Anyone who rides the subways with any regularity in NYC has undoubtedly encountered a subway preacher at some point. There are many subway preachers of all nationalities both men and women. The least obnoxious of the group are the ones that just walk through spouting supposedly biblical quotes (personally I think most of them make that shit up to suit their needs) and then move on to annoy the next car load of straphangers. The most obnoxious are the ones that plant themselves in the middle of the car and spout their religious crap non-stop. This BOTS was unfortunate enough to have the latter on my train this morning. No one pays any attention to them and yet they continue on telling us how we're all sinners and are going to hell because of our godless ways! All the while making up bible quotes.
I am all for free speech and freedom of expression but seriously at 8AM no one wants to hear this shit. Do they honestly think they are going to convert people with their obnoxious ramblings?! I just wanted to read my book in peace in quiet but instead I had to listen to that crap for 20 minutes. So to the Subway Preachers of NYC I say "SHUT THE FVCK UP!" You have been bitch slapped!
I swear I'm really going to snap one of these mornings and actually bitch slap one of them and it won't be my fault. I am being driven to violence. Is that a viable defense in court?

Thursday, November 03, 2005

New Quote of the day..

Because the other one was wrongly attrubited to George Carlin (Thanks to one of our Blogger friends for having me check and now I can't remember who because I smoked away my brain cells years ago! But thank you!)

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history." Dan Quayle

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Quote of the Day...

Keeping to Pookie's political theme...

It is impossible to obtain a conviction for sodomy from an English jury. Half of them don't believe that it can physically be done, and the other half are doing it. --Winston Churchill

That's right...you stand RIGHT there...


BOTS is out and about and the past few days we've noticed a disturbing trend. Actually, we've always noticed this, it's just pissing me off a little more these days because it happened two times in 24 hours!

Why the fvck do people go through revolving doors and then stop, dead in their tracks, right outside of the doors? People also sometimes congregate right outside the revolving doors...again, I ask WHY?

When this happens, all the other schmos who go through the door end up bumping into these asses. Then the asses get all mad. I say, "Get the hell out of the way. Go through and keep going! Don't just stand there!!!"

Fools.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

B!tches We Hate...


Hillary Rodham Clinton

What a b!tch...and not in the good way! This self-centered fake New Yorker should just go away. Her history is so sketchy. Her husband is gross. She is a nasty ho!

She'll never be president! Give it up Hills. You can't kill everyone or coerce them to vote for you! You may have fooled some of the more liberal New York people (don't get me wrong...I'm no Republican) but you don't fool BOTS!

Go back to Arkansas you crazy b!tch!

Quote of the day

It's that time of the year again kids! Nope not the holidays (which are rapidly approaching), it's time for us to pick the politician that is least likely to screw things up even more. So for the next week we will have quotes by politicians, about politicians or anything else I think fits! Enjoy!

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." Marion Barry (Marion Barry was mayor of Washington DC from 1979-1991. He was forced to leave office as a result of a crack cocaine arrest, but afterward was elected to the D.C. council and ultimately the mayoralty, serving a new term from 1995 to 1999. Barry served a total of four terms as Mayor before stepping down.) You gotta love it! Only in America!