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B!tch on the Street

Days and nights in New York City are tough enough without having to deal with all the sh!t this city dishes up. B!tch on the Street tells the tale of two ladies making their way through this crazy town...one freak at a time.

Monday, November 07, 2005

Unbridled Gassion

Ladies and gentlemen, this post is not for the weak of heart (or nose). Today, a horrible thing happened to me while on my way to work. I must share this, because this is a HUGE B!tch on the Street offense and I hope this never happens to you (but it will, because people are fvcking pigs).

The man you see here is an Unabashed Farter. Yes, you read right. He's an open farter. His "natural gas" permeated my being this morning and damn near killed me.

I was sitting sort of diagonally across from this Wall Street looking tycoon. Suddenly, I heard the sound of ripping. It came directly from him. Ever the one to give people the benefit of the doubt, I looked at his clothing to see if something had torn.

No, my friends, the only thing that was torn was his asshole. The next thing I know, a wall of stank hit me. It smelled like this bastard had just Hershey squirted in his Bill Blass boxers. I looked around in horror as I watched the stank hit the other innocent vicitms on the train.

The Unabashed Farter just sat there. In all honesty, he looked sort of smug and had a slightly bemused smile on his face as he read his Wall Street Journal. I HAD to comment to my seat neighbor, "Oh my God. That is disgusting." She agreed as we both took our scarves and put them to our noses to protect ourselves.

The stank hung there like the scent of death. It seemed like an eternity until the next stop came and the doors opened, allowing some "fresh air" (HA! Imagine subway station air being called fresh...but in comparison, it was the fvcking air of life!) to enter the car.

I took out my trusty camera cell phone, held it up (you know you're not supposed to take pictures on the trains...it's illegal! Part of the whole anti-terrorist movement.) and took this man's photo. I considered allowing his face to show, but then realized that this gassy bastard could be a lawyer or something and thought better of it. I didn't really hide what I was doing, and he really didn't seem to care. He just sat there, festering in his own stench and probably squishing his wet poop between his butt cheeks. EW!

Farts hurt people. Hold that shit in you bastards!!!


At 10:28 AM, Blogger markus said...

kat! i feel your pain...

At 12:08 PM, Blogger Pookie said...

Poor Kat! You should have bitch slapped him too! That's just nasty. At least have the decency to look embarassed!

At 1:27 PM, Anonymous Kat Sans Hat said...

OH MY GOD, you guys are TOO MUCH, between Pookie's crazy magazine-renting lady and this dude. Why doesn't this crazy stuff happen to me? I just get sat on by Gap models on the subway...

At 3:18 PM, Blogger HelpMeBubba said...

You two are hilarious! I love your blog! It seriously makes me laugh out loud quite often. Thanks, I needed to laugh today.

At 3:30 PM, Blogger v said...

hilarious. man, I thought you New Yawkers would've been all over this douchebag.

At 3:50 PM, Blogger Liz said...

Umm, supposedly Chicago is supposed to be "significantly friendlier" than NYC, but this sh*t has happened to me, and it ain't pretty! The stench from the guy who unabashedly farted in my general direction was enough to literally make me wretch... Fvcking disgusting!!

At 4:14 PM, Blogger Kat in da Hat said...

I tell you, I was ready to be like, "You disgusting piece of sh!t!" but I was knocked out by the smell! I couldn't believe it!

His poor wife!

At 6:45 PM, Blogger Marcia said...

Kat - your cell phone takes awesome pictures for a cell phone! I'm jealous. I've started taking my digital camera everywhere, but it's so... obvious!

And, as a woman who lives with a man, I've kind of decided that all men are disgusting pigs. SMELLY disgusting pigs.

At 6:56 PM, Blogger Kelly said...

Hilarious as usual!
You and that woman should have struck up a conversation about the smell with the entire train. You know... get everyone to start saying, "Ewww... what the hell is that smell?" I mean, if like 20 or so people are saying that I find it hard to believe that this ass would not have been embarassed... but I guess you never know.
BTW: Your posts make me want to go out and get a camera phone so I could show you two all the assholes in suburbia!

At 11:02 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh you poor Kat...didn't he know the next Queen of England was on the train, oh where is Wil's when you need him...;-)


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