Ladies and gentlemen, this post is not for the weak of heart (or nose). Today, a horrible thing happened to me while on my way to work. I must share this, because this is a HUGE B!tch on the Street offense and I hope this never happens to you (but it will, because people are fvcking pigs).
The man you see here is an Unabashed Farter. Yes, you read right. He's an open farter. His "natural gas" permeated my being this morning and damn near killed me.
I was sitting sort of diagonally across from this Wall Street looking tycoon. Suddenly, I heard the sound of ripping. It came directly from him. Ever the one to give people the benefit of the doubt, I looked at his clothing to see if something had torn.
No, my friends, the only thing that was torn was his asshole. The next thing I know, a wall of stank hit me. It smelled like this bastard had just Hershey squirted in his Bill Blass boxers. I looked around in horror as I watched the stank hit the other innocent vicitms on the train.
The Unabashed Farter just sat there. In all honesty, he looked sort of smug and had a slightly bemused smile on his face as he read his Wall Street Journal. I HAD to comment to my seat neighbor, "Oh my God. That is disgusting." She agreed as we both took our scarves and put them to our noses to protect ourselves.
The stank hung there like the scent of death. It seemed like an eternity until the next stop came and the doors opened, allowing some "fresh air" (HA! Imagine subway station air being called fresh...but in comparison, it was the fvcking air of life!) to enter the car.
I took out my trusty camera cell phone, held it up (you know you're not supposed to take pictures on the trains...it's illegal! Part of the whole anti-terrorist movement.) and took this man's photo. I considered allowing his face to show, but then realized that this gassy bastard could be a lawyer or something and thought better of it. I didn't really hide what I was doing, and he really didn't seem to care. He just sat there, festering in his own stench and probably squishing his wet poop between his butt cheeks. EW!
Farts hurt people. Hold that shit in you bastards!!!