Be Sure BOTS Will Find You Out...

The original sign said "Be Sure Your Sin Will Find You Out" but I like my version better. This crazy fvcker was literally screaming on the corner, "Repent! Repent!" I'm thinking I might go to the corner and ask this guy to change his sign and work for us.

Happy Friday!!!

The Flicker...

This morning I had to be in work early for our weekly staff update meeting...you may remember, this is the worst meeting EVER and I was not looking forward to it. Subways are normally pretty quiet in the morning and they are especially quiet early in the morning. Generally, everyone respects this and you could probably hear a pin drop on the train!

This a$$hat, however, did not follow protocol. He spent the entire 20 minute ride turning his newspaper pages and then flicking them to keep them straight so he could read. The first few times I just glared at him. After about 10 minutes, I'd had enough. I also saw others glancing at him with annoyed expressions. Being the BOTS that I am, I said, "Excuse me, could you please be a little quieter?" He said, "Me???" Then some lady beside him said, "No one wants to hear you flapping that paper around and you keep hitting me with it." I nodded in agreement.

He mumbled a half-a$$ed apology and then tried to stop doing it. He only lasted a few pages and then he'd do it again. I ignored him. My stop was coming up so I stood by the train doors. Suddenly, this guy said, "I can't help it!". I looked down at him and he was looking all nervous and looking around the train.

That made me laugh and I got off at my stop.

Happy almost Friday!

Heaven in a Wrapper...

Ahhhh....

Last night I went to dinner with friends and we had a liiiiiitle too much wine (like, 6 bottles for 8 people). Today, I'm feeling....well....let's just say fuzzy.

My hangover cure? A bacon, egg and cheese biscuit and a large Coke from the Golden Arches.

Heaven in a wrapper, my friends. I plan to follow it up with a lovely french pressed coffee from a shop across the street. Then, I'll be a dynamo at work all day (well, for at least an hour or so anyway)!

Happy Friday!

You Must Have a Small D!ck...

The guy at the counter you see here was in the sandwich place I went to get lunch today. He started by saying that he wanted focaccia bread. The sandwich guy went to get it, but apparently grabbed the wrong type of bread. "NO!", this guy said, "Not THAT one. It's in the bottom left bin." You can see these bins to the left of this jerk.

The guy behind the counter went to the right of the bins and pointed. "I SAID left!" I guess the counter guy didn't understand because he pointed to the bottom right. "LEFT! LEFT! LEFT! Do you even speak English?", the a-hole asked. Then the counter guy started pointing at each bin of bread. "Jesus Christ! There's only ONE left, my friend! It's not too hard to figure out!"

At this point, another guy behind the counter stepped in to help the confused worker. He reached in the bottom left bin and got this d!ck his bread. "BRAVO!", D!ck cried and then he started clapping really slowly. "Hey everyone! Someone in here speaks English and understands what words mean!" Nobody said anything, but my inner BOTS was boiling. I kept my mouth shut and instead took his picture, thinking happily of the nasty post I'd put up about him.

He got his sandwich (I hope the guys spit in it or dropped some of it on the floor first) and then went to pay. I had finished paying by this time and was grabbing some salt, pepper, and napkins. Suddenly, up he comes behind me and reaches RIGHT ACROSS ME to grab a straw. "EXCUSE me!", he barked. As if I was in his way! I was there first, mother fvcker!

I can only take so much, you know? I turned to him and said (in a sugary sweet voice), "You must have a small d!ck." He said, "What the fvck did you just say?" PING! Hairs on the back of my neck started to tingle. "Well why else would you feel the need to abuse random people?" I asked and started for the door. "Fvck you, you stupid b!tch!" he yelled after me. "Takes one to know one a$$hole!", I screamed from the sidewalk. I'm still seething!

This was not a satisfying moment for me, dear BOTS readers. He pissed me off so badly! If I'd had a weapon, I probably would have used it. This man needs a good old fashioned beat down! I can't stand people who think they have the right to demean everyone. What a pompous fvck! I'll bet his d!ck is teeny and that his wife beats him at home. I hope so, anyway, because karma is waiting to take this sucker out!

Is it Friday yet?

WARNING: This Is An Offensive Post

OK, this is beyond my normal posts, and I fully admit that it's tasteless and offensive. I asked Pookie if I should post it and she said, "I think I've heard that before in a joke....and yes, it's offensive, but fvck it!" Actually, the picture may offend people more after they read this, but hey, this is our blog. And, this is simply a true accounting of something that happened to me.

If tasteless, offensive (and potentially racist?) posts offend you....GO NO FURTHER!

This happened to me yesterday and I am still laughing about it. My friend and I went to the local grocery store yesterday evening and as we walked in the door, this kid (maybe about 14 years old) came out of nowhere and walked in with us saying, "Hi! You guys are my friends?" He had some kind of accent and appeared to be Asian...I think Chinese, but I'm not sure. Side note, the store is a Korean grocery store, so he could have been Korean and maybe related to the store owners, but who the fvck knows.

It was clear to me that he was mentally incapacited in some way.

He followed us all over the store as we shopped for some dinner ingredients rambling on and asking tons of questions. "Do you like bananas? Why? Do you know what time this store closes? Who is the manager? I like bananas! Do you have a permit? Why?"

My friend was like, "This kid is killing me!" and said, "OK. Nice to meet you but we need to shop now." The kid wasn't getting the hint.

I felt a little sorry for him because he was unkempt and had boogers on his face, but he obviously was just looking for someone to talk to. I kept up answering his questions and we finished our shopping. He stayed with us the entire time. "I have pennies at home! Do you like pennies?" he asked as we checked out. As we left, he said, "Where you going? Can I come? Are you my friends?"

I told him that we were going home and that he should go home too. He followed us a few steps, but then turned around and ran back into the store.

We got back to my place and had dinner. Then, I overheard my friend on the phone. He said, "Yeah, I was like, OK Sum Ting Wong, leave us alone!"

He got off the phone and I said, "You know that kid's name?"

He said, "Yeah, it's Sum Ting Wong."

I was a little slow myself yesterday and said, "Did he tell you that?"

He said, "No, it was just obvious."

About 20 minutes later, it hit me. And I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed. He must have gotten that from some old joke, but it cracked me up.

Happy Humping Day!
B!tch on the Street: Language Barrier

My Little Pony...

Here's a public service announcement from BOTS. If wearing 4 inch heels makes you clomp around like a horse, don't wear them.

I am a heel girl myself, but the girl in this picture could not walk properly in her heels (it's a bad picture, but she was on the move and it was hard to grab the full shot of what a tool she looked like). She walked like some horsey giraffe clomping across the street. People! You have to learn how to walk the walk if you want to look good!

Happy Monday ya'll!

P.S. In honor of Jesus' resurrection, we give you Peeps. Easter used to equal Jesus. Now, it equals Peeps!
http://peepresearch.org

B!tches We Hate...

David Blaine

OMG....what a loser. I don't understand the point of these spectacles, but he's at it again. See attached story from 1010 WINS news (did you know that if you give them 22 minutes, they'll give you the world?).

http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/P/PEOPLE_DAVID_BLAINE?SITE=1010WINS&SECTION=HOME&TEMPLATE=DEFAULT

Hey, David, we don't give a fvck if you can stand on a stool for days or stay in a box not eating. Some of your tricks are cool, but what are you trying to prove?

Get a life and stop causing traffic issues.

BOTS wishes everyone a happy holiday. Enjoy the long weekend!!!

What the Fvck Is This?

We've been thinking of adding a new segment to BOTS (really, it'll fill all our downtime when we're not b!tchslapping people) called "What the Fvck Is This?". We'll post pictures of the crazy sh!t we see and then you tell us what you think it is...

This one is kind of obvious, but still, when I saw it I was like, "What the fvck??!!" What kind of mannequin is this??? It looks like a former blow-up doll with hard nips and an open mouth!

Ew....

Hometown Hero...

Rudy Guiliani

For the past few months, Pookie and I have been saying, "Rudy needs to be a Hometown Hero", but we never got around to posting it. Today, he's all over the news for making statements against "the 20th hijacker", Zacarias Moussaoui. Rudy feels that Zac should die by lethal injection. I don't know if I agree with that (I often feel that people should suffer far worse fates than death, but that isn't for me to decide), but I felt that now was as good a time as any to post on Rudy.

Rudy was the mayor of NYC during our youth--following in the pathetic steps of David Dinkins. Pookie and I have both shaken his hand on separate occasions (during a parade and then once, randomly, on an elevator!) and we both fell in love. We're not Republicans OR Democrats and we're not promoting any political agenda here. He's just a charming man!

There's no denying that he's had a positive effect on NYC. I have said in the past that NYC is very different since Rudy came on board. Times Square USED to be the best place to go to score some weed (or, really, whatever the hell you wanted)...now it's the best place to take kids for all of the family oriented stores! You could also walk down the street doing, basically, whatever the hell you wanted and no one cared. Not so anymore, since Rudy's "Quality of Life" crackdown.

This legal eagle was born and raised in Brooklyn, became DA, and busted Wall Street tycoons, mobsters, and really cleaned this city up (I defy you to find graphitti on the inside of any subway car...and no, the scratches in the glass don't count!). Although I loved how gritty this city could be, Rudy really made growing up here for me better than any other generation had it (including my older siblings!).

Today I read that when President Bush visited the site of the Twin Towers in 2001 and asked what he could do for Giuliani, Rudy replied, "If you catch this guy, Bin Laden, I would like to be the one to execute him." RIGHT ON, RUDY! That's why you're a hometown hero!

Sniffles McGhee...

Today I rode the train with a sniffler. You know the ones...sniffling all over the place, but not blowing their noses. Now, I've been in a situation where I really needed a tissue, but didn't have one. I would have been GRATEFUL if someone had offered me one...

Remembering that, I very kindly said, "Sir, would you like a tissue?"

He said, "No, I'm good."

But the sniffling kept up.

I again offered, "Really, I have a clean pack of Kleenex right here."

"Nah," he said.

You may recall from past posts that I gag easily. Well, the next thing Sniffles did made me gag. Instead of taking a Kleenex and doing the right thing, he sucked his snot in really hard like he was working up a loogie. I just gagged while typing this. I did not hide my disgust (how could I? I literally had to cover my mouth and gag!) and he said, "Oh, my bad. That was nasty."

I nodded at him and then stood up to go to the other end of the car.

People! When someone offers your snotty a$$ a tissue, take it!

I'm going to go barf now.

It Used to be Me...

And Pookie who went on class trips through the city as children and annoyed everyone else (remember Lincoln Center in 7th grade Pook?). Now, we get inundated by these little fvckers.

Here you see a line of kids blocking my way at lunch today. I need to get some spring shoes (since it was 70 degrees on Sunday...but 41 degrees today...WTF???) so I decided to run out shopping (yes Marcia, that is Saks...and the sandal selection is INSANE!). Everywhere I turned was a class trip. I feel like I'm always the schmuck that meets up with these groups on some corner, waiting to cross, and somehow, I get to be one of the gang! There's no way out of a gaggle of kids looking anywhere but right in front of them!

Some of these little rats are well behaved, but most are just out of control! My personal favorites involve the kids that are like 6 years old and have only 2 or 3 adults along for the ride.

You couldn't pay me enough to chaperone this sh!t. That's a lie...you could totally pay me to do it.

Not much else going on out on the streets, but we're looking....keep checking back!

I'm Not Trying to Bite Off of Anyone....

I know there's a site showing blurbs that people overhear in NY, but I heard this this morning and had to post. It made me think of Rat Chicken. Does anyone remember Rat Chicken? "No! Why don't YOU go to hell!"

I went out this morning...well, OK it was after 12, but I had only woken up at 11, so it was still morning to me...and as I waited to cross the street, I saw some guy rolling his food cart along the street and then turning onto a side street. He had a little trouble manuvering around the corner and held up the cars that were behind him trying to turn as well. Some guy in a van right behind him said, "Hey! Fvcking move, a$$hole!" The cart guy stopped dead in his tracks, turned around and said, "No. YOU are the one getting fvcked in the a$$hole!" He had an accent just like Rat Chicken too. I (along with about 10 people on the corner with me) burst out laughing. One kid even said to the van guy, "HA! A$$ fvcker!"

I tell you, it's moments like this that reinforce my love of NYC.

UPDATE: I found the original Rat Chicken clip. Some freak I used to work with always walked around going, "Raaaaat Chicken...why do you wear that maaaask?" It's totally freaky, but cracks me up....Enjoy!
http://www.almostamazing.com/movieratchicken1.htm