That Little Boogery Ba$tard!

So, as you all know, I was in LA a couple of weeks ago and sat next to some little boogery kid on the flight back to NYC. I mean this kid had slime coming out of his nose like it was a fvcking faucet. I came home and basically, right away, I started feeling a cold coming on. However, this was no normal cold, kiddies. This was full on influenza. I was out of work for almost a week and I still feel sh!tty. What are my plans for this spring like Friday night? A little toke and a little cough medicine with codene. Now, that is the SH!T!

Have a great weekend everyone! Remember, avoid boogery kids at all costs!

The Rat...

Do other cities have these? There has to be more than one because any time ANY union is protesting ANYthing, they bring out the big, inflatable rat. This rat was protesting a Bank of America using "questionable" workers to clean air ducts. The air duct union wasn't having that, so they got a rat and one lone dude to shout about the "injustice" and hand out fliers. Which no one took. And if they did, they then threw them in the street. Creating more litter.

I wanted to say to the union guy, "Where are all the other union workers?" but I actually felt sorry for him. I mean, it couldn't have been easy to blow that rat up by himself and THEN anchor that ba$tard, stand there in the cold and hand out fliers that nobody wanted.

Oh well...just another day here in NYC.

Happy Monday ya'll!

B!tches We Hate...

Kristin Cavalleri

This should have been posted sooner, because we've been annoyed by this little b!tch for way too long. However, I just picked up the latest US Weekly and who did I find on the cover? This loser.

Can someone please tell us why this girl is getting so much media attention? Is she talented in any way at all? I know she was on Laguna Beach (which we didn't watch....even we have standards...) but so what? There are tons of high schoolers on reality TV, so what makes this bimbette so special?

I really don't know anything about her at all except she's short and apparently, she's a back stabber (I read that she wasn't a "friend" to anyone on that sorry show). I also know she wears too much make-up and that her 15 minutes are going to expire any second if she doesn't come up with SOME kind of talent.

Sorry Kristen. We know you're young and you're just trying to get yours, but, you annoy us. Therefore, you are a b!tch we hate!

LAX: Hell on Earth

Last week, I was out in Los Angeles for work. Now, being: a) a seasoned traveler and b) from NYC, I believe that I should be able to handle any airport. I've been in airports with one runway. I've survived body searches at JFK in NY. I've found my way in airports in countries where I don't speak the language and they don't give a rat's a$$ about English. I've even been through LAX countless times. But last week was a different experience.

What you see here in the top picture is the line to get INTO the airport (it started outside and I got in line behind approximately 1 trillion people). Once you got in the airport, you are then corraled (kind of like at amusement parks) on a line to get to security (that's the second shot). What a fvcking disaster! I am also one of those people who, because of point a listed above, only arrive at the airport AT MOST an hour and a half prior to my departure time. Needless to say, I was cutting it close. I tried to tell some of the Nazi's, um, wait, I mean, airline attendants, that I had a flight to catch. They said they'd only allow people with 15 minutes until departure to cut the line. I had 20 minutes. B!tches!

Well, long story short, let me detail some of the people I met on line. There was Chumley, a preppy looking guy in his late 20's or so. He said, "So, some line, huh? I say if it takes any longer, you and I just cut to the chase and start making out right here...he he he." I said, "Back off you pervert."
Then there was Susie Joe. "I just cannot beeeeelieve this line. I am traveling back home to Houston and it's never like this over there. So much for Southern hospitality!" I just gave her death looks until she shut up.

I got to security, stripped off my belt, shoes, and jacket and headed through the detector. I had 10 minutes until take off. I was cleared. Threw on my shoes as I heard, "This is the final boarding call for flight 1685 to New York's John F. Kennedy airport. All passengers should be on the plane at this time." Then, I ran. Just so you know, I do not run. Anywhere. Ever. But, I wanted to go home so bad, that I kicked into high gear and ran.

I made it on the plane, got my sh!tty seat (God forbid my company would bump me up to 1st class and, of course, my miles didn't matter because 1st class was full). Sat down, and spent the next 5 hours sitting beside a snot covered little boy who kept crying and fidgeting while his mom slept.

There's no place like home!

Sorry So Long....

Remember writing that in notes ("SSL")?

Sorry it's been so long since we posted. I've been away for a week out on the West Coast and then we had a crazy weekend of St. Pat's revelery.

I have pics and posts to put up, but I forgot my phone which is holding said pics. Slight technical difficulty!

Please excuse us.....posts to come tomorrow...I swear!

Happy Spring ya'll! (even though it's fvcking 30 degrees here in NYC today)

Quote of the Day...

"There's only two things I hate in this world. People who are intolerant of other people's cultures...and the Dutch."--Nigel Powers, from Austin Powers in Goldmember

Happy Friday ya'll!

There's a Sucker Born Every Day...

Oh, this story is just too good not to share. Usually I get paranoid that work people will somehow find this blog, but this story must be posted. They'll never prove it's me!

Today, we had our weekly staff update meeting...the meeting I dread the most. It's horrible! Everyone gives updates about what has been going on in their world for the past week. It's boring, tedious, you get grilled by the head of our company about why stuff happens...you get the picture. However, today was different. Today was the best staff update meeting EVER. For a little background, the Head Dude (HD) at my smallish financial services company is an older...I'd say in his later 60's...white, conservative man.

At 8:30am sharp the Head Dude started off with saying, "Hey, Mary, I saw your husband last night. Did he tell you?"

Mary: "My husband? No...where did you see him?"

Head Dude: "Right outside of the office yesterday evening. About 5:30. He told me about his wallet being stolen."

This is where I perked up and really started listening.

Mary: "HD, what are you talking about? My husband's wallet wasn't stolen!"

HD: "I'm sure it was him. He came up to me outside the office and said, 'Hi! Remember me! You work with my wife.'"

Mary: "What did he look like?"

HD (oh, I'm giggling while typing this): "Well...um...he was...like you, you know...he was...African American. So when he said that I work with his wife, I said, 'Mary?' and he said, 'Of course!' He told me that his wallet had been lifted and asked me if I had any money that he could borrow and send back to me with you today. I gave him $20."

Mary (now with a look of evil death on her face): "So you are telling me that some 'AFRICAN AMERICAN' man came up to you and asked you for money and you ASSUMED he was MY husband based on THAT????"

Everyone started squirming at this point, but not one other person said a word.

HD (sounding really pissed off now...he's not too friendly): "Mary, are you telling me that I gave $20 to a man that wasn't your husband?"

Mary: "I don't know what you did, but I'm telling you that it wasn't my husband that you spoke to!"

HD: "I don't understand!"

She Lumberg (yeah, of course SHE was there): "Gosh, HD, sounds like you may have been taken."

HD: "Taken?!?! He said he was Mary's husband!"

Mary: "Did HE say that, or did you give him my name first because I'm the only black woman you know?"

A light seemed to go on over HD's head. He turned purple people! Purple! I got that really nervous, butterfly-in-the-stomach feeling as I looked around at all of the shocked/trying not to laugh/too scared to look faces.

HD: "Obviously, there's been a mistake. Let's get started."

After the meeting, we all filed out quietly and went to our respective cells. Immediately, my phone rang and I gossiped with another co-worker about what happened.

HD is actually a really smart guy, but this goes to show...a sucker is born every day...and it helps if he's a stuck-up white guy it seems!

That Curb is Innocent!

Today I was out and about and noticed this guy in the street. Always thinking of BOTS, I snapped his picture with my trusty camera phone. I wasn't sure what was up, but I figured I should just get his pic and at the very least, make fun of his squatting technique.

First, he had a ruler (old school wooden one...remember those?!) and was measuring the curb at the corner. Then, he started taking pictures of it. I was sort of curious, but honestly didn't really give a sh!t so I just stood at the corner waiting for the light to change so I could cross the street. Some guy said, "Hey, what are you doing?" The dude in this picture said, "I'm collecting evidence so I can sue this city into bankruptcy." (Aren't we bankrupt already or did Bloomberg pay off our debts? I forget...anyway...)

The first guy said, "Why? What happened?"

"I fell on this curb and now I'm taking measurements and pictures to bolster my case" the squatter replied.

That was too much for me to resist. "Did you get hurt?", I inquired. "Yes! Of course I got hurt!", he snottily retorted. "It was just last Friday that this happened!" Now, I feel the need to point out that this guy looked no way impeded. He was bending and moving just fine. "What did you hurt?", the other guy asked.

Do you know what he said?

Guess.....

Go on.....

He said....drumroll please.....

"Why don't you two mind your own fvcking business?"

The other guy said, "Hey, fvck you a$$hole! I hope you fall again!" (Pookie and I need to get cards to hand out to guys like this to ask him to join BOTS...I was really proud of him!)

I said, "Seriously, that was really rude. You aren't even hurt you loser. Get the fvck out of the street so people can pass!"

Ah...New York...city of opportunity and fakers!

Good Morning...Now Shut the Fvck Up!

To all the people out there who wear headphones, including the IPod headphones....BOTS has something to say, "TURN THAT SH!T DOWN!" DAMN! It's so irritating to get on the train in the morning when no one is speaking (we NYers like quiet mornings too, you know) and to have the only sound come from some loser's headphones.

Today I rode the train with this kid who had that sh!t blasting! All you could hear was his music. It was some crazy sh!t too....like Bette Midler on acid mixed with a little hip hop...not a good combo. Some lady sitting beside the kid finally tapped him and said, "Your music is very loud." The kid said, "What?" "Your music is loud. We can all hear it," the lady replied. Then the kid took out one ear plug and said, "What?" again. Well, you know me....my blood started to boil. I said, "Hey, turn your sh!t down. Nobody wants to hear your music and you're going to go deaf if you keep that up." (When did I turn into my mom?) Others nodded and grumbled but the kid just made a sound like, "phhhhsssss" and put his plug back in. He turned it down slightly, but we could all still hear. I am telling you, the song we all heard was like, "Some say love.....HOLLA HOLLA HOLLA...it is a river...THE RIVER IS ON FIRE...HOLLA ATCHA!" over and over and over again.

Damn hooligans!

Happy Friday ya'll!

Praise Jesus, it's Ash Wednesday!

You know what that means, don't you? No meat and you can only eat 3 squares today (and every Friday until Easter Sunday). That also means that delis in NYC are rife with Christians looking for tuna sandwiches or slices of pizza.

Now, I'm not really a religious person. Although I was raised Catholic (with 12 years of Catholic education behind me), I haven't been in a church since a wedding in October 2004! But, for some reason, on Ash Wednesday, my Catholic guilt kicks in (hey, I can't fight the programming!). I always debate...do I get ashes? Usually, the answer is no. But, I do try to follow the no meat and no snacking rule (hey, I figure if JC could give his LIFE for me, the least I could do is try not to eat meat!).

So, at lunchtime today, I headed to the much revered and oft visited Pizza Truck. This is one of the best slices to be had in NYC. 2 Italian guys make their own pies with homemade sauce and everything. It's heaven! I know, you're thinking, "Pizza? From a truck?" YES! That's the only mobile food station I'd recommend in NYC (NEVER eat the hot dogs...do you hear me???) It's always crazy at the Pizza Truck, but on Ash Wednesday, it's madness! I hopped on line in the freezing cold (it's about 30 degrees today) to wait for my kosher meal (kosher? I don't know...works for me). As usual, there were a$$holes a-plenty on line. Grumbling, pissing and moaning about how cold it is and couldn't the pizza guys work any faster...you catch my drift. Good Christian's the lot of us....yeah RIGHT!

God Bless Us....every one!