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B!tch on the Street

Days and nights in New York City are tough enough without having to deal with all the sh!t this city dishes up. B!tch on the Street tells the tale of two ladies making their way through this crazy town...one freak at a time.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

LAX: Hell on Earth

Last week, I was out in Los Angeles for work. Now, being: a) a seasoned traveler and b) from NYC, I believe that I should be able to handle any airport. I've been in airports with one runway. I've survived body searches at JFK in NY. I've found my way in airports in countries where I don't speak the language and they don't give a rat's a$$ about English. I've even been through LAX countless times. But last week was a different experience.

What you see here in the top picture is the line to get INTO the airport (it started outside and I got in line behind approximately 1 trillion people). Once you got in the airport, you are then corraled (kind of like at amusement parks) on a line to get to security (that's the second shot). What a fvcking disaster! I am also one of those people who, because of point a listed above, only arrive at the airport AT MOST an hour and a half prior to my departure time. Needless to say, I was cutting it close. I tried to tell some of the Nazi's, um, wait, I mean, airline attendants, that I had a flight to catch. They said they'd only allow people with 15 minutes until departure to cut the line. I had 20 minutes. B!tches!

Well, long story short, let me detail some of the people I met on line. There was Chumley, a preppy looking guy in his late 20's or so. He said, "So, some line, huh? I say if it takes any longer, you and I just cut to the chase and start making out right here...he he he." I said, "Back off you pervert."
Then there was Susie Joe. "I just cannot beeeeelieve this line. I am traveling back home to Houston and it's never like this over there. So much for Southern hospitality!" I just gave her death looks until she shut up.

I got to security, stripped off my belt, shoes, and jacket and headed through the detector. I had 10 minutes until take off. I was cleared. Threw on my shoes as I heard, "This is the final boarding call for flight 1685 to New York's John F. Kennedy airport. All passengers should be on the plane at this time." Then, I ran. Just so you know, I do not run. Anywhere. Ever. But, I wanted to go home so bad, that I kicked into high gear and ran.

I made it on the plane, got my sh!tty seat (God forbid my company would bump me up to 1st class and, of course, my miles didn't matter because 1st class was full). Sat down, and spent the next 5 hours sitting beside a snot covered little boy who kept crying and fidgeting while his mom slept.

There's no place like home!


At 10:46 AM, Blogger Liz said...

My personal favorite "single serving friend" is the nasty, molester-like, fat guy who thinks that despite outweighing the entirity of my family tree, smelling like mayonnaise left out in the sun, and a nasty sweating/wheezing problem that he still thinks it's worth his time to hit on me... Those are always fun.

At 1:10 PM, Blogger v said...

Wow, what an adventure. LA sucks! Hah, I had to add that.

At 3:07 PM, Blogger astrocoz said...

See, this is why I never fly out of LA if I can find a flight elsewhere...Long Beach is a much better airport for that area...way relaxed and they get you on the plane fast without you feeling violated from searches.

At 4:15 PM, Blogger Laurie said...

I hate flying. I really really really do. You've read my disasters but NONE compare to this.

Fucking airlines.

At 4:47 PM, Blogger Virenda said...

I hate flying and the thought is making me sick.

Sounds like you had a blast, all you really needed was some old man to flash you.

At 7:46 PM, Anonymous Kat said...

I don't run either! I refuse.

And I love the names you gave the people in line. Chumley and Susie Joe? Hilarious.

At 1:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

LOL oh Kat...and we thought JFK was bad. Welcome home!

At 2:43 PM, Blogger TheIdleReceptionist said...

Hahaha...I'm in the middle of scavenging for airline tix myself, to LA but luckily a different airport than LAX!!

Lol, those losers in line sounded pretty classy! Glad you caught your plane.

At 3:29 PM, Blogger Cyber Mule said...

Yeah, LA people suck.

The thing with LAX too, is, all those fuckers out there think so much of themselves theyre always thinking their airport is gonna get blown up thats why theyre always closing the gates down there. Fucking egomaniac assholes.

I'm in bad mood today


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