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B!tch on the Street

Days and nights in New York City are tough enough without having to deal with all the sh!t this city dishes up. B!tch on the Street tells the tale of two ladies making their way through this crazy town...one freak at a time.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Fleet Week!

Sorry it's been so long kids. Pookie and I have been busy picking up sailors during Fleet Week!

Somehow, more often than not, we end up hooking up with sailors (not THAT kind of hooking up....well, at least not every time) and showing them the town. Most of them are young guys (I'm talking 18 or 19 years old here!) and they are really cool and very gentlemanly!

One year, we even got a private tour of a huge ship (can I say the name of it Pook?) after a night of dancing with sailors at the South Street Seaport.

You can't tell, but the guys in this pic are totally hot.

We're sluts. So the fvck what?

Happy Belated Memorial Day!

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Celebrity Death Match...

BOTS vs. SUSAN SAINT JAMES

OK, I don't have a real picture to go with this because it all happened so fast, but this is the first time I've had to be a BOTS to a "celebrity".

I was waiting on line at the Barnes and Noble on 46th and 5th when this woman came down the line saying, "Excuse me" over and over again to each person. I must note that I felt that she was saying it rudely. She brushed past me (I was second in line) and cut off the line. There were no available registers and the register watcher who tells you where to go said, "Miss, the line starts back there." She said (very annoyedly), "I just paid and this is setting off the alarms." I KNEW I knew that voice and when I looked closely, I saw that it was Susan Saint James herself! I love her! Kate and Allie! MacMillan and Wife! "You'll have to wait just a moment," the register watcher said. I was so excited! I have no idea why. I wanted to say, "I loved Kate and Allie!" but knew that would be really weird, so I just kept my trap shut and watched her.

Then, the register watcher said to the man in front of me, "Next register down to your right." The guy took off and SSJ said, "EXCUSE ME, I need to leave and can't because the security alarm is going off!" The next register opened up and I started toward it (I admit, I was nervous!). SSJ turned to me and said, "I need to see this person before you." and cut me off! The register watcher was no help at all. I replied, "I understand that, but you don't have to be so rude about it, no matter who you are!" and I let her go ahead.

B!tch didn't even give me a second look. I ended up going to the register beside her and she was all huffy and tapping her foot impatiently. She finally got her sh!t taken care of and stomped off. What a b!tch!

I still love her though!

I'll do better with the quickness of the camera phone next time! For anyone who gives a sh!t, she was wearing high-waisted jeans, a tee shirt, no makeup, and a fake a$$ Prada bag with a little teddybear on a keychain attached to it. I was like, "Nice teddybear b!tch!" but then I remembered that her son, Teddy, was killed in a horrible plane accident and felt bad. Not bad enough to not post this, but bad.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Things You Don't See Every Day
















So Carmie and I were strolling the area taking in the beautiful sunshine today. Just as we were about to cross 5th Ave. we saw this bus making a turn - the two of us immediately whipped out our cell phones! (We've made her an honorary BOTS!) This bus is a moving advertisement for some detergent - can't remember which one - the entire bus is covered in t-shirts! It's great! The tagline says "How many shirts can one small bottle clean?" This is something that you definitely don't see every day!

Monday, May 22, 2006

***Watermelon Watch 2006***


Watermelon Lady has a name! I know that I've been slacking on the watermelon lady posts - really it was for lack of pictures. I felt that the posts wouldn't be as good without a picture of her to go along with the story. So anyway, I've said before that I was apprehensive about approaching her and I found out that my fears weren't unwarranted. Instead of talking to the Watermelon Lady herself I quizzed the Starbucks staff in hopes of finding out more about her and let me tell you they were a wealth of information! First of all her name is LINDA! From here on out to be known as Linda the Watermelon Lady (LWL) - she HAS to keep her title. Is she mentally ill? Well that was a topic that was up for debate. Most of the employees seemed to think that she was just a little eccentric while others thought that she was most likely mentally ill and off her meds. In either case - I'm glad I didn't have to talk to her directly if she is off her meds that's not some one I want to deal with! LWL has been frequenting this particular Starbucks for at least the past two years. They said that some times she seems completely normal and other times she shows up with lots of shopping bags which leads them to believe that she may be homeless yet she is always relatively well dressed and clean. She always buys either coffee or a bottle of water. The Starbucks staff was also mystified as to how she gets a watermelon cut with platic utensils but then they told me that the watermelons have only been around for the past two weeks or so - she used to eat WHOLE CHICKENS!! That's right WHOLE CHICKENS not a cornish game hen or a little chicken breast a WHOLE CHICKEN like what you would pick up to feed your entire family.

I would love to find out more information on LWL - just how far is she lugging that watermelon?!? How many trips to the bathroom does she make day?? What will be the next food du jour?? I will continue to post on LWL as I find out more information.

A Glance at The Lives of Pookie & Kat...

Normally, I'd say these things are lame, but this one happens to be spot on....it really describes our lifestyles quite accurately!

You Know You're From New York City When...

You say "the city" and expect everyone to know that this means Manhattan.

You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building. (actually, we have..on school class trips!)

You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park
at 3:30 on the Friday before a long weekend, but can't find Wisconsin on a map. (I think we could find Wisconsin....maybe)

Hookers and the homeless are invisible. (totally)

The subway makes sense.

You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual. (doesn't it?)

You've considered stabbing someone just for saying "The Big Apple".

The most frequently used part of your car is the horn.

You call an 8' x 10' plot of patchy grass a yard. (Yard? Hell, I'd call that an estate!)

You consider Westchester "upstate".

You think Central Park is "nature." (it's all we've got!)

You're paying $1,200 for a studio the size of a walk-in closet and you think it's a "steal."

You've been to New Jersey twice and got hopelessly lost both times.

You pay more each month to park your car than most people in the U.S. pay in rent. (yeah, that one hurts)

You haven't seen more than twelve stars in the night sky since you went away to camp as a kid.

You go to dinner at 9 and head out to the clubs when most Americans are heading to bed. (nothing good happens until after midnight anyway!)

Your closet is filled with black clothes.

You haven't heard the sound of true absolute silence since the 80s, and when you did, it terrified you. (Pookie and I went to college in a rural area and the quiet at night freaked us out. I need to hear the soft din of traffic to lull me to sleep.)

You pay $5 without blinking for a beer that cost the bar 28 cents. ($5? Try $8 for beer and $12 for cocktails)

You take fashion seriously.

Being truly alone makes you nervous.

You have 27 different menus next to your telephone.

Going to Brooklyn is considered a "road trip."

You've gotten jaywalking down to an art form.

You take a taxi to get to your health club to exercise.

Your idea of personal space is no one actually standing on your toes.

$50 worth of groceries fit in one paper bag.

You have a minimum of five "worst cab ride ever" stories.

You don't notice sirens anymore.

You live in a building with a larger population than most American towns.

Your doorman is Russian, your grocer is Korean your deli man is Israeli, your building super is Italian, your laundry guy is Chinese, your favorite bartender is Irish, your favorite diner owner is Greek, the watchseller on your corner is Senegalese, your last cabbie was Pakistani, your newsstand guy is Indian and your favorite falafel guy is Egyptian.

You're suspicious of strangers who are actually nice to you. (trust no one...especially nice people)

You secretly envy cabbies for their driving skills.

You think $7.00 to cross a bridge is a fair price.

Your door has more than three locks. (and a chain too!)

You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.

You run when you see a flashing "Do Not Walk" sign at the intersection.

You ride in a subway car with no air conditioning just because there are seats available.

There is no North and South. It's uptown or downtown.

When you're away from home, you miss "real" pizza and "real" bagels. (Oh God, this one is so true!)

You know the differences between all the different Ray's Pizzas. (Original Ray's is the only way to go.)

You're not in the least bit interested in going to Times Square on New Year's Eve.

Your internal clock is permanently set to know when Alternate Side of the Street parking regulations are in effect. (No matter how late we've stayed up the night before, you can count on us stumbling down to the streets at 6:45am on Sunday to move the cars!)

You know what a bodega is. (don't other places have bodegas?)

You know how to fold the New York Times in half, vertically, so that you can read it on the subway or bus without knocking off other passenger's hats. (WE do. Too bad others can't do this,)

Someone bumps into you, and you check for your wallet..... (and if you're a BOTS, and they don't apologize, you yell after them, "Excuse YOU!")

You cringe at hearing people pronounce Houston St. like the city in Texas. (I do, but I can understand the mistake.)

Film crews on your block annoy you, not excite you. (HATE the film crews...especially the craft services people!)

Happy Monday!

Friday, May 19, 2006

Turn Up your Damn Hearing Aid!


God I am so going to hell! First I'm making fun of the mentally ill and now I'm starting in on the elderly. I'm ok with going to hell cause that's where are all the ultra-cool people like BOTS will be hanging out! So anyway, I was heading out to Strong Island (aka Long Island) to visit a friend the other day. Sitting behind me was the old woman pictured to the left. She kept getting calls on her cell phone. She's screaming into the phone so that the whole train car can hear!

"Hello? Hello? Helllooooo?? I can't hear you!"

The cell phone rings again:

"Hello? Hello? Helllooooo?? I can't hear you!"

This happened literally about 10 times. Now I had gotten a call during this time too and the reception was perfect. I could see that she had a hearing aid in- please lady turn that shit up! We don't all want to hear you! And of course after EVERY call that she couldn't hear - "These contraptions are terrible!" OMG if you would just learn how to use it AND turned up that hearing aid I'm sure it would work perfectly! It was so fvcking annoying. I really tried to tune that her out but with her screeching every two minutes it was next to impossible. Of course even I'm not such a bitch that I'm going to turn around and yell at her but I'm not above taking a picture and posting about it! :)

So yeah I'm going to hell.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

***Watermelon Watch 2006***

I know you're all just dying to know if the watermelon lady was there today....YES of course she was! However there is no picture because I.FORGOT.MY.PHONE!!! Ohhh the horror - I feel naked without my phone! Not only that but the watermelon lady had some nasty ass, scraggly fake fur coat thing drapped across her shoulders and it so would have made a GREAT picture! I'm starting to think that she has actual mental problems instead of just being on some weird diet but I'm sticking with the weird diet theory becuase I don't want to be the person who pokes fun at the mentally ill. So anyway, my apologies for the lack of a picture but the watermelon lady was there, eating an ENTIRE watermelon with plastic utensils!

Are You Lost?

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ho ho ho ho ho....this one really cracked me up. The picture you see here is of an "art" installation (yeah, I put it in quotes....is it really art?) that is currently on display here in midtown Manhattan courtesy of the Clementine Gallery.

I don't even know what this thing was called, but it's set up in the middle of Rockefeller Center. I walked into the little covered area where the art show is and saw this...thing.

Some lady behind me was talking to her friend while looking at one of the other exhibits and said, "I don't know...I think I should see what's going on." She walked over to the "boy" and said, "Are you lost?" Then she said, "Little boy..." and touched it. She then realized that it wasn't real and was like, "Oh, I hope no one saw that!" "I did!", I gleefully said! Then we both agreed it was really creepy.

She didn't stick around long enough for me to get a picture, but let me tell you, I chuckled to myself the rest of the time I was looking at this stuff.

Art Rocks!

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

***Watermelon Watch 2006***


Yesterday I told you about the Watermelon Lady and of course I had to check again this morning. As I approached the Starbucks that she has made her own, I decided to go in and get myself a Lite Mocha Frappuccino - damn those things are good! And sure enough the Watermelon Lady was there again! I had some time to ponder that Watermelon Lady as I waited on long-ass line - seriously you would have thought they were giving away the $5 cups of coffee! First, where the hell is she carting this watermelon from?!? Those things are damn heavy! Second, is it maybe the same watermelon day after day that she's slowly eating - I tend to think that it's actually a different one every day. The third thing is that no one else seems to really pay attention to this lady. Anyway, today I noticed that the Watermelon Lady had a cup of coffee - does coffee go with watermelon?? Not in my book but to each his own I guess! She also had her usual water, plastic knife and fork and paper. Did I talk to her?? No, alas there was no time and I'm a little apprehensive about approaching to some one who can actually get a plastic knife through a watermelon! It's a pretty clean cut too!! Stay tuned for the next sighting....

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Watermelon Watch


My daily commute takes me past a few different Starbucks. Hardly unusual as there seems to be a Starbucks on every corner these days. Yesterday, while walking past one of the many on my route I happened to glance in the window and amongst all the yuppies drinking their venti, soy, double shot lattes was a woman eating an ENTIRE watermelon. Not just a slice, not a fruit salad but an ENTIRE watermelon. My first thought was how the hell do you cut a watermelon with a plastic knife - those fvckers don't cut through shit! My second thought was that no one else seemed to think that this was strange. Not another person was giving her a second look. Is this some kind of new fad diet? You eat an entire watermelon and nothing else. So today as I'm trudging through the rain I come to the same Starbucks and there she is. The Watermelon Lady. Sitting there, reading her paper eating an ENTIRE watermelon as if it was no more unusual than having a muffin with her coffee. I know it's hard to see in this picture because it was taken in the rain through a window but this woman has absolutely NO Starbucks products at her table. Just water, a giant watermelon and plastic utensils. Of course again I was the only one who seemed to notice this! WTF?? So now I'm offically on watermelon watch! I will be checking to see if the Watermelon Lady makes another appearance. Next time I just might have to go in there and ask her about it.

Subway Water...

Ew! This just happened to me on the way to work today so I thought it'd be a good time to discuss subway water.

Subway water is the water that leaks down from the streets and drips (or in some cases, pours) into the subway stations. I can only imagine what is in this water: urine, feces, disease, oil, and just plain nastiness! On very rainy days in NYC (such as today), one has to be on their guard against subway water. I've gotten drips of it on my head, on nice jackets where it left a rust colored drip, and yes, even in my eye! Oh, the horror!

Today I got a drip right on top of my head. I felt it wiggle down my part and cross over to my forehead. I immediately began slapping it away (and thus, beating myself in the head) in disgust.

Some guy walked by and said, "Subway water?"

"You know it," I replied.

"At least it ain't bird sh!t," he offered.

How gross!

Happy Fvcking Tuesday!

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Thief!!


For those of you wno have never experienced Grand Central Terminal during rush hour, let me paint you a picture. In order to get to the subways you have to swipe your Metrocard through the turnstile - Metrocards are the only method of payment accepted. Sounds easy right? Not nearly. First of all the entrance I go through (yes I'm there are others that I could go to but I'm lazy and this is the closest) is one of the busiest there is. Hundreds of people are trying to get through about 12 turnstiles. People pile up and people get really angry when you hold up the line. You see, the metrocard doesn't always work as smoothly as it should. Sometimes you get error messages like "Please Swipe Again" or "Please Swipe Again at this Turnstile" or the dreaded "Insufficent Fare". Really this could be one of the most stressful parts of my day. You shuffle towards the turnstile, metrocard in hand poised to swipe as quickly as possible lest you be the fool that fumbles for your card holding up the line and drawing the ire of your fellow passengers. When you are unfortunate enough to be this person, well let's just say it's not pretty. This is the one time when you will truly see the NY attitudes come out.
So now on to the "Thief" portion of my blog. There are a couple of different types of metrocards - you have the weekly or monthly unlimited cards which are exactly as that - unlimited rides for that period. However, you have to wait 18 minutes in between uses. This is so there is no sharing of the card. The other type is pay as you go - $2 for each ride. *God this is a long blog - hope you guys are sitll reading* So anyway the other night I was waiting to go through the turnstile. There were two people ahead of me a man, then a woman and then me. The guy swiped his card and I saw one of those dreaded error messages flash but the women ahead of me wasn't paying close attention and was doing her part to keep up with the flow and she just swiped her card - an unlimted card! So the guy actually went through on HER card! He KNEW what happened! He turned around gave her an "Oh well" look and said thanks for the ride and took off! I know it's ONLY $2 but this woman now had to either wait 18 minutes or go and buy a $2 single ride card so she could get on the subway. I felt so bad for her. If that asshole had had any amount of decency he would have given her HIS metrocard to swipe but not this fvcker! He took his free ride and took off! The woman yelled "Fvcking thief!" and went to go and purchase her single ride card. I couldn't get a picture of the guy - it all happened too quickly so here's a picture of the metrocard screen - it says "GO" the message you get from using an unlimited ride card.

Blogger Needs to be Bitch Slapped!

Am I the only one having problems??? It takes forever to load up a picture and then it tells me that it can't do it at this time! I have stories to tell! New Yorkers to bitch slap! I can't tell my stories without the pictures! So for now, I'm bitch slapping Blogger and I'll try again later!

Pookie

Friday, May 05, 2006

Gesundheit!

Everyone around has been sneezing and coughing like crazy since we've had some nice weather here in NYC. Today I saw a notice that the New York City Department of Health and Mental Hygiene (um....what????...shouldn't it be The Department of Hygiene and Mental Health? Do they even go together? It's like the Alchohol, Tobacco, and Firearms people...I don't get the correlation except that when you mix them, there's bound to be trouble!) announced on Friday that allergy and asthma symptoms among New Yorkers has doubled in the past week. Sweet!

That being said, I thought I'd take this time to publicly
b!tch slap loud sneezers. I have good friends who are loud sneezers and I've let a few go that were none too quiet. However, this week I've heard all sorts of sounds: "Heeeee choooooo!", "Arrrrrufffffffff", and the loud holder inner: "Herugmph!". I think it's really rude when people sneeze so loud. Especially in the morning. It frightens me and when I get scared, people DIE! Just kidding. You know they're doing it for attention. "Oh, God bless you!" they hope we say.

Nope. "Jesus Christ! Do you have to sneeze so loudly?", is what I say.

It's been quiet on the streets (are people starting to learn???) but we've got our eyes peeled. Of course Pookie and I are hitting the town tonight, so I'm sure we'll find some vicitms!

Happy Cinco de Mayo everyone! Have a margarita (or two) for BOTS!

Thursday, May 04, 2006

The Sniffer


I am useless in the morning until I've had a cup of coffe - it's an absolute necessity. I'm usually prettty dazed and not at all in this world until I've had my coffee. So, as I was waiting on line today for my coffee at my usual place, spacing out as usual until it was my turn to fork over an obscene amount of $$ of for that shit when all the sudden I heard a sniffing noise. So now I start thinking to myself - do I smell? Is some one sniffing me?? I mean I showered so it couldn't possibly be me. Then I hear it again and I notice that the perverted old man in front of me is sniffing this blonde girl's hair! So first things first, I whip out my camera phone and try to catch him in the act..BUT the girl turned around! I definitely couldn't grab a pic then but the conversation that ensued is priceless!
Blonde Girl: Are you SNIFFING my hair?!?
Perverted Old Man: Ummm yes.
Blonde Girl: Well it's disgusting stop it!
Perverted Old Man: But it smells good.
Blonde Girl: Yes I know but stop sniffing my hair!
Perverted Old Man: Jeezz missy, it's not like I was touching you!
Blond Girl: Fvck off!

Me - I'm just giggling and waiting for the perfect time to take my picture! And then it came she turned around and I snapped this picture! Right after that he leaned in for one last, albeit quieter, sniff! You knew he wouldn't be able to resist!

Monday, May 01, 2006

BOTS Hearts Immigrants...

We do! Hey man, Carlos wasn't there to toast my bagel, Juan wasn't there to serve me my coffee and my fruit cart dude (I never got his name) wasn't out today either!

It's striking me that this may sound derogatory, but, fvck it. I'm all for the American dream and if that's what these people want, let them work for it. At least they have jobs!

I do see the other side of this issue. Some other group of legal immigrants is complaining because they did things by the book and deserved citizenship. I guess if I did all that, I'd be pissed if suddenly something that was difficult to get was just handed out. I also believe that people should learn some American (you know we don't speak English) and should know American history, learn information how the government and judicial systems work and all that. Some people I work with are debating saying, "Do you see the footage of people turning the American flag upside down??? That's not right!" OK, that is kind of fvcked up. You do want to be part of this country, don't you? But, when Carlos comes in tomorrow to make me my bagel, I'm going to say, "Thanks Carlos. I missed you yesterday!"

Have you thanked your Carlos today?

p.s. If this rally in Union Square affects my commute home, I'll do some deporting of my own!

Happy (yeah, right) Monday!