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B!tch on the Street

Days and nights in New York City are tough enough without having to deal with all the sh!t this city dishes up. B!tch on the Street tells the tale of two ladies making their way through this crazy town...one freak at a time.

Monday, December 12, 2005

If Mama Ain't Happy...

This weekend, I went to do some more holiday shopping. I walked past this craft-type store and saw a cute little sign that I know my grandmother would love. It said, "If mama ain't happy...Ain't nobody happy."

I commented to my friend, "Oh, look at that sign! Nana would love it!" He agreed and we headed in to get the sign. On our way to the corner of the store by the window, we browsed a little and took our time getting to the sign. Some woman was totally up our asses the entire time. She kept trying to dart past us but kept getting blocked (it was a very small aisle). My friend said, "Excuse you!" after she bumped into him. She said (very venomously), "Well, excuuuuuse me!" She then pushed past us and walked directly over to MY SIGN. She picked it up, and took off toward the back of the store as fast as she could.

Well, you know this BOTS freaked. I mean, I lost it. "That stupid fvcking b!tch knew we wanted that and she went and grabbed it." I loudly proclaimed. My friend saw that look in my eyes and said, "Um, I'm going to go ask the clerk if they have any more." I headed to the back of the store.

I dashed through the aisles past little country kitchen type sh!t, hand-made butter churners and the like, to look for that b!tch. As I looked, I ran into my friend. He looked a little scared. I said, "Don't tell me...that was the last one?". He nodded helplessly and I pulled him along in my quest for revenge.

Suddenly, he stopped short. "Look!" There it was! My sign! She had put it down at the back of the store! We approached quietly. I looked up and down the aisle it was in. There she was! Looking at Christmas ornaments not 10 feet away from the sign. I swiftly walked over to the sign, picked it up, and said, "Oh THERE it is! How did this get from the window all the way back here?"

The b!tch whirled around. "That's mine!" she said. I blinked innocently. "Well, you weren't holding it. It's right here for anyone to buy." She approached quickly. "I just put it down to look at ornaments." I looked her straight in the eye and said, "I guess what goes around, comes around huh?" My friend pulled my arm and we started walking to the cashier. The b!tch didn't say one word. She knew she was wrong.

Once again, good triumphs over evil! I was elated! Christmas joy filled my soul as I thought of Nana chuckling over her sign and that b!tch going home signless.

I need help...


At 11:19 AM, Blogger markus said...

way to go, kat! you got her good!

At 12:59 PM, Blogger TheIdleReceptionist said...

Oooohhh...you're like bona fide bitch!

High fives.

At 1:33 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

14 weeks. That's how long that poor woman had to pick up coins from the lady's toilet in Grand Central Station to afford that sign. It was the last sign of a shipment of two from her old country. Her sainted mother lost her life in the Hungarian purges under a sign like that. When she saw it in that store window, a feeling of peace and tranquility settled over her, the likes of which she hadn't felt since taking the oath of citizenship from Chief Justice Earl Warren himself. Next to meeting Jackie Kennedy, finding that sign was the highlight of her humdrum existence.

And now you have it.

At 3:06 PM, Blogger Marcia said...

You completely rock. People are so mean around the holidays, and you totally kicked her ass. I'm so proud!

At 3:12 PM, Blogger HelpMeBubba said...

hahaha! Marcia's right...you do rock!

At 3:42 PM, Blogger Liz said...

GLORIOUS. Now if only I could do something like that to my former boss!

At 3:42 PM, Blogger Kelly said...

Ah the holidays.
A time for giving and sharing and being sneaky and selfish and grabby.
This is why I shop online this time of year!
Way to stick it to the man Kat!
Doesn't it feel awesome to induce karma in another's life?
The woman deserved it.

At 5:29 PM, Blogger gabsmash said...

Go Kat..you dont need help! You just actually do what we are all thinking!! That bitch deserved it

At 8:10 AM, Anonymous Kat said...

Okay, you are awesome. She had it coming to her!

At 9:36 AM, Blogger brendalove@gmail.com said...

She had it coming all right....but if that had been me, she probably would have pulled a revolver out of her handbag and shot me.

At 9:05 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

hahah your story made my day

At 1:24 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

hahahah...i hope nana likes the sign


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