The Walking Reader

I love reading. I really do. It's one of my favorite past times. I could spend an entire Saturday curled up reading a great book. I've been known to finish a really good book in one sitting. It is an intergral part of my commute. I would never be able to survive my commute without something to read. I understand being at a crucial part and not wanting to put it down but I do when I have to. When my train stops and it is time for me to walk through crowded terminals, I mark my place and I close my book. I DO NOT walk and read. Why do people do this? Do they want people to think that they're more intelligent than most people because simply walking is not enough they must be enlightening themselves while they do it? These assholes inevitably are the ones that walk into me and make me spill my coffee - of course on myself it would never be on the offender! They never look up until a collision is unavoidable! They're a menace to my commute! OK they're just really fvcking annoying and I'm sick of people who have absolutely no consideration for other people. They need to be bitch slapped into stopping!

PS - I did have a photo to go with this post but for some reason I can't upload it - I'll try again later!

Bitches We Hate

I honestly don't know how Kat and I have gone this long without posting Ashlee Simpson as a Bitch We Hate. She truly is horrible. Just looking at her makes me want to bitch slap her! Apparently we are not the only ones who feel this way. You can go to this website to sign an online petition to her record company to keep her from singing. If you can call what she does singing! From her infamous jig on SNL to her more recent antics at McDonald's this girl does nothing but prove she is the talentless trash I have always thought her to be. Please tell me why people like her? She's proven over and over that she can't actually sing - nobody believes that acid reflux bullshit. I won't start in on her looks (think the picture speaks for itself) but her hair is something else all together - check out Michael K's where he has pics of her sporting her new do. Seriously some one bitch slap her for me!

Hometown Hero

Billy Joel was born May 9th, 1949 in the Bronx. His family later moved to Long Island where he spent his childhood. Why is he a hometown hero? Not only has he provided us with countless bar classics - who hasn't belted out their own version of Piano Man while swaying drunkenly with friends at least once in their life? Only the Good Die Young? Keepin' the Faith? So many classics! He has also given a lot back to his community (yes, aside from the numerous car crashes over the past few years). He has invited young cancer patients on his boat for an afternoon of crusining around Long Island Sound. Billy has also started the Billy Joel Endowment Fund which provided scholarships and endowments for music education. A great American singer/songwriter who is still rocking the stage at 57 having recently sold out a record breaking 12 shows at Madison Square Garden here in NYC. Oh and I just really love his music and since I write this blog I can pick anyone I want!

What a Numbnut!

Source: CNN.com

I'm the first to admit, I'm "gun-shy" since September 11, 2001. I don't want anything to do with anyone and trust no one. I still grimace when I see an airplane flying low over the city (which they do all the time--we are in the middle of three major airports).

The Bush administration has faced criticism this week over its decision to let a subsidiary of UAE government-controlled maritime management firm Dubai Ports World run ports in New York and New Jersey; Philadelphia, Pennsylvania; Baltimore, Maryland; Miami, Florida; and New Orleans, Louisiana.

Critics say the takeover raises security concerns, noting that two of the hijackers in the September 11, 2001, attacks on New York and Washington came from the UAE and that the hijackers drew funds from bank accounts in Dubai, the financial center of the Persian Gulf. Who thinks this is a good idea? Seriously, leave us alone. New York City has taken enough sh!t and I'm sure the other locations aren't thrilled about this either.

Of the facilities to be sold, the port in New York and New Jersey is the largest, handling about 4.5 million container units in 2004 and is among the nation's top 10 in terms of containers handled, according to the American Association of Port Authorities. Awesome! What a great place to store and ship things to kill Americans! Am I paranoid? You betcha! Should I be? That's what they tell me (why else are we always on "high terrorist alert"?)!

"Nothing in this acquisition has anything to do with the responsibility for security in American ports," State Department spokesman Adam Ereli said. "That remains very firmly in the hands of the Department of Homeland Security. What we're talking about is the management of some port operations."

Hey, George, why don't you go live next to one of these ports. You numbnut!

BOTS Hates the Olympics...

I checked with Pookie, and she hates them too (except gymnastics...but that's her kinky side coming out). Does anyone like this sh!t? Why are we rewarding people for bobsledding better than anyone else. WTF? When some mofo cures cancer, then I'll watch them on TV. Until then....eh.

And, this makes that nasty Valentine's Day picture get off the screen (that's for you Gabs!).

Happy Friday before a 3 day weekend!

Happy Valentine's Day from BOTS!?!?!?!?

Ew!!!!! I put in "Valentine's Day" as a Google image search, looking for some nice lovey dovey crap to put up. Instead, this sh!t came up. I guess it says, "Happy Valentine's Day!" Maybe it's more "VD", but whatever!

Hope this day brings you lots of love and joy....and b!tch slapping if you're not nice and romantic!

Blizzard of '06...

Here's a picture I took from my fire escape on Sunday morning. It's the view looking down on the garbage area behind my apartment building. Gross, but pretty! What a storm! I was just recently complaining that we don't get big snow storms in the city and then this one shows up! This snow storm was the best! I LOVE being snowed in! Especially since I had plenty of toilet paper on hand! Also, I ordered Chinese food for delivery yesterday and they STILL made it (on a bike) in about 30 minutes! I love NY!

Ahhh....it looked so clean and crisp. Today, everything has a dirty tint to it, but what can you do?

Loser!

Last night I went out for dinner and drinks with Pookie, Carmie and some other crazy friends (Wednesday is the new Thursday, you know). As Pook, Carm and I walked to the restaurant, we were stopped at an intersection for a red light. We all noticed this poor woman desperately trying to hail a cab. You can't see it here, but in addition to all of her bags, she had a rolling suitcase.

Right before our eyes, we saw a cab pull over for her. This is nothing short of a miracle because it was rush hour and it was a$$ biting cold out. Suddenly, a man darted across the traffic on the other side of the street and GOT IN HER CAB! We all gasped at what this d!ck had done. Carmie said, "Get your phone! This should go on BOTS!" How right she was!

The woman opened the cab door (as you see here) and said, "This is my cab!" The guy said, "Not anymore!" I said, "That's cold buddy!" and Pookie said, "LOSER!!!" Carmie said, "Nice! What a gentleman!" Of course, he didn't care, the woman shut the door and the cab took off into the night.

It's a shame we didn't get his picture, but we did get his victim. After all of this, we moved across the street leaving her behind. Hey, life is tough here. Unfortunately, it's made all the tougher by a$$holes like that guy!

That's the perfect place for it a$$hole!

Last night I was heading home and of course I had to wait for a train but that's another post. Anyway, this fvcker comes and has to stand about 8 inches away from so he can get a good spot to get on the train.
He then proceeds to take out a piece of gum and chomp on it obnoxiously. I just take a few steps back and try to ignore the mannerless individual but then he did something that BOTS just couldn't ignore. Really, I just couldn't keep my mouth shut, it wouldn't have been right. He took the gum wrapper and threw it on the train tracks..and then he took an old metro card and threw that down there too...and then a tissue. Yes this asshole was using the tracks as his own personal garbage can. Not that the tracks are pristine clean mind you BUT there was a garbage can not 5 feet behind us! All he would have had to do was turn around and take two steps and he would have been close enough to put the trash where it belongs. So, I said excuse me do you know that there's a garbage can RIGHT behind you? He turns around, still chomping on the gum, chewing like the cow that he is and shrugs his shoulders! Then he pulled out his Ipod so he could tune me out. FVCKER! The train came about 5 seconds later and of course he then turned out to be one of those individuals who feels it's necessary to push their way on to the train and block the doors for those trying to get out in the process. So when I finally made my way on the train and had to push past him because he had planted himself by the door, it gave me great pleasure to step on his foot and accidentally fall into him! The best part is that when he cried out in pain, another woman on the train said "Well if you weren't blocking the door you might not get stepped on!" Oh how I love this city! The pic to the left is of how the train tracks look - it's from this morning so it's a different station but you get the idea.

Sometimes I Doubt Your Commitment to Sparkle Motion...

That's a quote from one of my favorite movies: "Donnie Darko". I feel that this quote pretty much sums up how my boss reamed me this morning....and it's only 10 minutes past 9:00am!

I walked into work this moring to a barrage of voice mails and e-mails questioning why one of my company's customers was complaining about something. Without going into too much (very boring) detail, one of our customers received an invoice for something and they shouldn't have. Who approved the invoice? Yup...that was me! I don't even remember doing it, but I did. In my own defense, this is something that almost all of our other clients receive an invoice for, so I didn't feel that this one was any different. Apparently, they are.

I had to go to She Lumberg (my boss) to explain, but I really didn't have an explanation. I said, "I was under the impression that they should receive it." Lame, but true.

Instead of She Lumberg saying, "This can't happen again." or "You've really fvcked up this time!", she gave me the old, "Whyyyyyy do you think this happened? Our customers' satisfaction is a direct refleeeeeection of our OWN satisfaction with a job well done. Your commitment to our customers COULD be called into question."

Basically, it happened because I DON'T CARE. Well, I kind of care, but not that much.
Sh!t happens, you know what I'm saying?

I swear, after her little Dr. Phil wannabe statements, I almost vomited on her desk. She's such a cheesemonkey.

Instead I said, "I'll implement new procedures to ensure that this never happens again...for any customer." They seem to really like it when I offer to implement new procedures. It's right up She Lumberg's alley.

Thanks for hearing (reading) my gripe. I rejoice in the fact that someday, I'll be able to
b!tch slap She Lumberg too.

Hometown Hero...

Al "Grandpa" Lewis

I'm sure you all have read that Grandpa passed away this weekend. There are conflicting reports of Grandpa's birthplace, but we know he was raised in Brooklyn...and that qulaifies him to be a BOTS Hometown Hero.

When Pookie and I were in high school, we took a ride on the Staten Island Ferry and went to Grandpa's Comedy Club...a little sh!thole in Staten Island that Grandpa owned. He was there mingling with the average customers and was a cool guy. We thought he was on his deathbed then! Little did we know that Grandpa would keep on kicking!

Did you know that he holds a doctorate in child psychology from Columbia University, has penned two children's books, produced a kid-oriented home video, and once hosted a series of Saturday morning television shows on WTBS? He has also been a circus performer, a school teacher, and a vaudevillian.

He's a multi-talented man and we will miss him. Say hello to Herman and Lily, Al! You sir, are a (kind of spooky, but totally cool) Hometown Hero!

I Keep on Falling...

In and out...of love...with you...

Actually, I just keep on falling on my ass...or literally, my knees.

Yesterday evening, I decided to make an "emergency" shopping trip for some "fat jeans". You see, I've done my share of pigging out during the holidays and now, a good amount of my favorite jeans are a liiiiiittle too tight. So, I'm working on that, but in the meantime, I need some jeans that aren't too tight and that are relatively cool. I told myself that I'm not allowed to buy good fat jeans (i.e. $200 fat jeans), only cheapos. So, where do I go? J. Crew. That's right folks: J. Cruel!

You may or may not remember a post that BOTS previously did on J. Crew and the fact that they torture little animals for their fur. I haven't shopped there since then and had reservations about going in there, but it was on my way home! I went to the jeans, picked out a fat pair (how can I be that size????) and paid for them (yes, they cost $78, but trust me, that's cheap in the world of jeans in NYC).

Then, I stepped up two little steps that I needed to go up to get to the exit of the store. I tripped UP the stairs (those who know me won't be surprised at this...I seem to always fall up a set of stairs instead of down), did a weird midget-like walk to try to catch my balance, fell on my knees, and then flat on my stomach. Bags flew everywhere. I was a mess. Immediately I felt that the fur gods were punishing me for shopping at J. Cruel! Why did I buy those jeans???

I happened to fall at the feet of some supermodel looking b!tch. She literally looked down at me (almost curiously), stepped over my bag and kept walking. Not one word escaped her lips. I lay there like the tubby turd I felt like. Then, some dashing man (I think he may have been gay, but damn he was hot!) came and scooped me up! I can't be THAT fat if some dude can just literally pick me up off the floor, right? Right! I thanked him, dusted off, picked up my bags and shot daggers of death with my eyes at the back of that supermodel b!tch's head.

Who would just step over someone who fell???? I'll find her. And I'll b!tch slap her (after I trip her and step over her, that is!).

Happy Friday ya'll!