Who Created This...

And why do I think it's so funny?

http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/

Life is slow on the streets kids, but we'll find an offender to b!tch slap soon enough.

In the meantime, enjoy this pointless post.

Question for the Day

So this morning after I had been at work for a good 45 minutes, talked to a number of people and started my daily tasks, I went to the bathroom. It was then that I discovered that I was wearing my shirt inside out - hey I was still pretty much asleep when I got dressed! I'm wearing a black cotton shirt. So I go into a stall take it off and go to put it back on, however once I have the shirt right side out, I notice that I now have very lovely white deodorant marks in the armpits. I tried the trick of rubbing the material together but it didn't really work - it's slightly less noticable but still totally there. So my question to you is what would you do? Do you put the shirt on inside out again or do you just hope and pray that no one notices the deodorant stains? I opted for the latter - wish me luck!

Classic BOTS story...

Way before Pookie and I created this blog, we were still B!tches on the Streets. Here's a classic BOTS tale that Des over at Fresh Air Lover made me think of due to a recent post she has on going on a date with an actor.

When I was in high school, I worked part time as a cashier at a small restaurant here in NYC. One day, all of the other girls were making a fuss over some customer that had come in. He got to the front of the line (where I was working the register) and I saw that it was Vito Brata from the 80's hair band, White Lion (I guess this was in about 1991 or something...dating myself here, but what can you do?). All of my co-workers asked Vito for his autograph. When he got to me he said, "I suppose you want an autograph too?" I knew damn well who he was. I loved "When the Children Cry" as much as the next rocker girl. But, I said, "An autograph? Why? Are you famous?" He said (with a big sh!t eating grin on his mug), "Yeah, I'm in a little band you may have heard of called White Lion." "What do you sing?" I asked. "I'm the lead guitarist, but we have a few hits." At this point, my stupid co-workers were like, "Yeah, you know White Lion!!!" and stuff like that. I wasn't about to cowtow to this loser. I MAY have asked for his autograph, but not after that!

I said, "Good for you. That's $15.00 (or whatever amount) please."

Then he left.

I still chuckle over that. What "famous" person says sh!t like that?

Thanks, Des for the memories!

p.s. Vito is the one all the way to the right in this picture.

B!tches We Hate...

Jennifer Love Hewitt

Oh how we hate her! Ever since we first saw her on "Party of Five", which Pookie and I both loved back in the day, we've hated "Love" (which is what she claims her friends call her). Her goody-two-shoes, nicey-nice look and persona really tick us off. She's not very talented at all. Remember when she got her own spin off show from PO5? It blew. And so does she. She should have married Carson Daly when she had the chance and they could have ended up the most annoying couple ever.

Last season on "Punk'd" they got Jennifer. They had her go in to a fake producer's office and discuss a new role that he felt she would be perfect for. He told her that Brad Pitt had already signed on as the male lead, and that they wanted her for the female lead. She actually believed it! Come on, Love! Like you'll EVER be in a movie with A-listers. Then, the producer told her he had some gambling debts and some thugs showed up. She actually sat there and cried. What a loser!

She also ruined Audrey Hepburn in her lame role playing the starlet. Audrey was rolling over in her grave, I'm sure.

Sorry J-Love, but you are a b!tch we hate.

Word Verification Retard...

Am I the only idiot who has problems time and again with word verification? I type in what I see but it doesn't come out right.

The verification on Ticketmaster is the worst. I can barely tell what the letters are! Like this one from Yahoo. What the hell does that say???

Just thought I'd share that.

BOTS Around the World

This Cambodian woman pulled a Bobbitt on her husband after he hit her during an argument. Apparently, her husband came home drunk after a night of drinking and karaoke. An argument ensued and the bastard slapped her! He then tried to go to bed like nothing ever happened! But this bitch wasn't having that shit! She went and got a pair of scissors and tried to cut that shit off! OMG that fcvker must have gotten the shock of his life. Unfortunately doctors were able to save the organ and he escaped with only 25 stitches to his member. Any man who tried to hit this BOTS would be lucky walk away with only stitches!

Bagelshop Brawl!

This morning I walked into my bagel shop (as I do every day) to find a man yelling at the bagel guy. Here's his picture. As I approached the counter, I could hear that he was saying, "I ordered cream cheese! NOT scallion cream cheese!" I couldn't hear what my bagel guy was saying, but I proceeded on to the counter to place my order. If only I'd know what was to come next.

Apparently, my bagel guy felt that he HAD given the guy the right order and told him so. This guy lost his sh!t. "You piece of sh!t Mexican a$$hole! You are lucky to be serving me bagels!" the nutcase screamed as he leaned over the counter reaching for my bagel guy! I swear, you can see the bagel guy ducking in this shot. I'm really very proud of it! I didn't really know what to do so as I took his picture, I said, "Hey! HEY!" All of a sudden, about 5 guys from the bagel place ran out and tried to restrain the guy. By this time, he was basically crawling up the counter trying to swing at my bagel guy!

Now, this was exciting and all, but I know better than to be in the middle of a full on brawl. This psycho was swinging around and screaming, "Get the fvck off of me!".

So I left.

Now, I'm hungry!

I can't wait to see my bagel guy tomorrow to find out what went down.

Good morning from New York!

UPDATE: 01/25/06: I went in this morning to the shop and saw my guy. "Hey, are you OK? What happened with that guy yesterday?" "No, it's OK", he said. "Well, did the cops come?" I asked. "No, it's OK. Really." he answered. Then the owner came over (he's a little Chinese man...very nice but brisk with his words). "How you today?" he inquired. "I'm good. What happened with that crazy guy from yesterday?" "No crazy. It's OK", he said. "Yeah. It's OK", my bagel guy repeated.

I let it drop after that. Sounds kinda sketchy to me, but what can you do. I guess it's all OK!

Bad Pic...Funny Story

This picture sucks, but it shows what I witnessed yesterday morning as I left my friend's apartment (he lives right outside of the city which requires me to take a commuter rail (about a 30 minute ride) to get back to NYC and work. The weather here yesterday was like armegeddon crazy. Black clouds were rolling across the otherwise blue sky, winds were whipping everything and everyone around, and sporadically, bursts of rain fell from the ominous sky.

As I walked out the front door of my friend's building, I saw this green thing rolling down the street. I soon realized it was a Christmas tree. Then I saw the tree roll over cars and make its way to the sidewalk. What you see here, if you look very carefully in the middle of the picture, is the tree (green blob) heading straight toward two people. I yelled, "Look out for the tree!", but it was too late. It clobbered both of them.

It was one of the funniest things I've ever seen. It was a small tree, but it got stuck in one guy's hat, and the other lady's hair. They were both swatting it and spinning around like loons. The tree slapped them silly, and blew on. The two people looked around to see if anyone had seen and there I was. Doubled over on my friend's steps, laughing my a$$ off.

Then my friend came outside and said, "Oh! Thank God you're still here! A tree fell in the tracks. No trains are running! Guess you'll have to stay!" Yippie!!!

So I took a personal day from work.

It was a good day!

Back in NYC now so I'll keep my eyes peeled for future posts!

Shameless Plug

I know the posting hasn't been as frequent as we all would like but hopefully that gets better in a few weeks when work stops torturing me! However, since Kelly was kind enough to nominate us for Snarkiest Blog please go and vote for us here! It would mean so much to BOTS! It would be like the whole world has finally recognized that what we do is a much needed service in society...That some one recognizes the courage it takes to stand up to these assholes and bitch slap as necessary.....Ok fine it would just be really cool!! I got some bitch slappin' to do...I'll be back later!

XOXOX
Pookie

Because It's Been Too Long Since I Last Posted...

I had to steal this from Kat over at Kitty Can Scratch. I've been away on a long weekend and am just now recovering. Since I have no incidents to report, I'll do this instead. Sorry if it bores you, but hey, it's my blog!

The 69 E-Mail:
1. What time did you get up this morning? 6:57
2. Diamonds or pearls?Diamonds baby.
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?Um....ah....It's been a while...I have no friggin idea to tell the truth.
4. What is your favorite TV show? Degrassi: The Next Generation or My Super Sweet 16
5. What did you have for breakfast? A bagel with cream cheese...what else is new?
6. What is your middle name? In Da
7. What is your favorite food? Italian, Mexican, you name it...
8. What foods do you dislike? Fishy fish. I like nice white flaky fish though.
9. Your favorite Potato chip?I had some crazy jalapeno potato chip the other day that rocked.
10. What is your favorite CD at the moment?The Six Feet Under soundtrack and Madonna's new CD
11. What kind of car do you drive? None. I live in NYC and can't afford the $475 a month to park a car.
14 Favorite drink? Champagne and wine. I have one or the other almost every day.
15. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would it be? Fiji
16.What color is your bathroom? Pink. Not by choice. I live in an old building.
17. Favorite brand of clothing? There's really no one, but Ann Taylor popped into my head because I can always find work clothes there. James Jeans are the best jeans though.
18.Where would you retire? To my castle in England with Becks or Hawaii. Maui is awesome.
19. Favorite time of day? 5:00pm: when the whistle blows I Fred Flinstone right outta this quarry.
20. There was no question 20.
21. Favorite sport to watch?None. I hate sports. These "pros" get paid too much. Give that money to charity you ba$tards! But, if I have to watch, I choose baseball.
22. Who do you least expect to send this back? Everyone.
23. Person you expect to send it back first? Nobody's sending this sh!t back.
24. What laundry detergent do you use? All...the stainlifter!
25. Coke or Pepsi? Coke. With lime. Real lime, I mean.
26. Are you a morning person or night owl? Total night owl.
27. What size shoe do you wear? 7
28. Do you have pets? No, but I always say I want one. Maybe if I can keep one plant alive, I can get a pet. So far, it's not looking good.
29. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with your friends? I may be going on an unplanned vacation to Asia in a month!
30. What (who) did you want to be when you were little? a BOTS...or a lawyer/actress.
31. Favorite candy bar? 100 Grand. No question.
33. What are the different jobs you have had in your life? Camp counselor, cashier, registered representative, fund raiser....I've said too much.
34. Favorite season? Spring, but fall is cool too.
35. Nicknames you've had? B!tch, K, Kat
36. Piercings: Why, yes. Yes I do.
37. Eye color: Green
38. Ever been to Africa? No. And I don't think I'll be going for a while.
39. Ever been toilet papering? Do people really do that?
40. Love someone so much it made you cry? Oh yeah. Buckets.
41. Been in a car accident? Yes.
42. What's a question no one has ever asked you? Will you bake me a birthday cake?
43. Favorite day of the week? Saturday
44. Favorite restaurant? Soooo many. Bolzano's, Arriba, Tao, Calvin's
45. Favorite flower? Freesia
46. Favorite ice cream? Mint Chocolate Chip or Peanut Butter Cup Dream or some crap from Cold Stone Creamery. Whoever thought of putting peanut butter ON ice cream is a genius.
47. Disney or Warner Brothers? The WB baby!
48. Favorite fast food restaurant? McDonald’s.
49. What color is your bedroom carpet? It used to be cream. Now it's dirt.
50. How many times did you fail your driver's test? None.
51. Before this one, from whom did you get your last e-mail? Some loser at work.
52. Which store would you choose to max out your Credit Card? Saks
53. What do you do most often when you are bored? TV
54. Bedtime:Usually by 11:00pm
56. Last person you went to dinner with? My lova.
57. Ford or Chevy? Neither. American cars suck.
58. What are you listening to right now? The sound of life being sucked out of everyone I work with.
59. What is your favorite color? Green.
60. Lake, Ocean or River? Ocean.
61. How many tattoos do you have? Two.
62. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? I guess the chicken. Wasn't she on the ark with the rooster?
63. How many people are you sending this email to? None. People hate this sh!t.
64. Favorite Cocktail? Hmmmm....SoCo Kamakize (sp?)
65. Red or White wine? All of the above.
66. Where would you go for a girls or boys weekend get-away? A spa.
67. What do you want to be? Independently wealthy.
68. Republican or Democrat? Neither.
69. Favorite Family Vacation? The one my sister didn't go on.

Sorry Guys...

I know this blog is here to make people laugh and have some fun, but this story so sickened Pookie and me that we had to share.

Maybe everyone knows about it, but this is from a local newspaper, The Daily News.

I have an idea: anyone who kills kids should be killed in the same exact way. No jail, no death sentence, just an eye for an eye.

Throw a prayer, a kind thought, or whatever out for this little girl and the thousands of other kids we don't even hear about.

http://www.nydailynews.com/front/story/382170p-324447c.html

It's cold season

Yes I know this better than anyone else because I've been battling a really nasty one for the past week. I would love nothing more than to stay in bed for the duration of my illness but unfortunately, I have work to do. So I've got my tissues, my inhaler, my antibiotics, decongestant and cough medicine and I'm off to work. I try to be a really considerate sick person. I cover my mouth when I sneeze and cough and I try to avoid blowing my nose in front of people if at all possible (but hey you do what you gotta do). I also carry hand sanitizer to use after a coughing or sneezing fit! See how nice and considerate I am?!? Well now I wish we could all be as considerate but the fvker in this picture went beyond bad manners, beyond disgusting, well really there were just no words...I'm walking pretty much parallel to this guy and all of the sudden he sneezes and makes absolutely NO attempt to cover his nose and/or mouth! I'm disgusted and I'm outraged just about to go into a BOTS rant when he does it AGAIN and AGAIN. Now that coffee I drank this morning is starting to turn over cause I'm seeing stuff fly out of this guys mouth and nose! And just when this BOTS is about to say something another woman lays into him. "Oh my god that was just about the most disgusting thing I've ever seen!" The fvcker replies "Well then don't watch lady!" "Get some manners and some class asshole!" "Get a life and mind your own business!" At this point the honorary BOTS looks at me rolls her eyes and yells "FVCK off PIG!" That made my morning! The pig is the one crossing the street in the picture - not as clear as I would have liked but after all that I wasn't getting too close to him!

Look at That Girl! She's Picking Her Ear and Flicking It...

The hands you see here are the hands of a woman I sat across from on the train this morning. As you can tell, she has long, French-manicured nails. She seemed normal enough, except for one thing: She used those talons to pick ear wax out of her ears, roll it up, and then flick it.

That's right. You read that correctly.

I get nauseated very easily. Someone can hock a loogie and I'll gag. It's just some kind of gut reaction (ha....gut).

When I saw this woman do this the first time, I was like, "No. She did not just do that." The second time, I knew for sure that she had, so I got out my phone to take her pic. I even zoomed with the hope that I could capture the true nastiness of this moment, but it appears innocent enough in this shot. She was flicking her little wax balls on the floor of the subway. I literally gagged. The third time she did it, I was standing up by the doors waiting for my stop. She went in with her nail, dug around slowly, took her hand away, used another nail to scrape the original one and then rolled her sh!t up in a ball and flicked downward.

I said, "That is fvcking disgusting!" to her as I got off the train. Then I held my hand over my mouth because I would have lost the banana I ate this morning if I hadn't.

How gross is that!!!!????

B!tches We Hate...

Nicholas Cage

I feel like Nick has been on our B!tches We Hate segment before, but, I'm too lazy to scroll through the archives so I'm not really sure. It doesn't matter. We hate him so much, that he warrants two appearances.

Not only is he ugly, he's a bad actor, and he named his kid Kal-El. What the fvck is wrong with this guy??? He's obsessed with Elvis, so he married Lisa Marie. Then, she got out quick. I wonder which kinky thing Nick said to lose her. "Wiggle your lip like that Lisa! Yeah! YEAH!" Ew!

Now, he's going to play a FDNY guy in a movie about September 11th. Nick, you are an insult to the FDNY. I have to blame Oliver Stone for creating the film, but Nick as the lead? That's a slap in our faces.

We hate you Nick. Your peak ended with Valley Girl. Retire now. You've been b!tch slapped.

I'm a Jinx...

Today I went out to grab a quick bite to eat since work (a.k.a. Hell) has been particularly busy. I got a sandwich and waited on line to pay for it. At the same time, some crazy lady (I promise, I will bring my picture phone EVERYWHERE with me from now on) barreled in the door of the deli muttering to herself. She came right up beside me (touching me, mind you) and started craning her neck to see behind the counter. I said, "Excuse me, please." She ignored me. I heard her saying, "Lucky! Lucky!" over and over. I knew then that I had a crack pot (or maybe a crack head) on my hands.

The cashier rang me up and the crazy lady said, "What's luckier? The snowmen or the snowglobe?" She was referring to scratch off lottery tickets. The counterwoman said, "Just one minute, please." and nodded in my direction as though to say "let me finish with her." The crazy woman reeled around on me and said, "YOU! Are you trying to jinx me or something?" I said, very calmly, "Yes. I am." Without skipping a beat she said, "You and the Asians! You try to jinx me all the time!" "You got that right!", I said as I left.

What a city!

UPDATE: I can't stop walking around at work saying, "Oh, that's messed up?, or Oh, you didn't get that?...me and the Asians want it that way." I'm just waiting for a call from the dreaded Human Resources, but it's cracking me up.

I Don't Wanna Work...

I just want to bang on my drum all day! Doesn't this picture look like Whoopi?

Am I the only one caught in the holiday lethargy! I do not want to do a single thing at work. So far, I've been successful, but She-Lumberg is sure to catch on soon.

We need a week off to recover from the holidays! Who's with me????

OMG- so funny!!

This morning as I was walking to the train, there was a very lovey dovey couple in front of me. Holding hands, giving each other little kisses, bascially attached at the hip. So since they're right in front of me, I'm basically forced to watch them. I couldn't get around them due to the crowd - no big deal! I'm just listening to my Ipod trying to get to the train station. So we get to a crosswalk and here, sadly the love birds have to part ways. They gave each other a BIG kiss, looked longingly in each others eyes and then finally went their separate ways. So now it's just the guy in front of me. The whole way across the street he kept looking back, walk a few feet, look back, blow a kiss, walk a few feet, look back and blow a kiss...this went on the whole way across the street and THEN....one last walk a few feet, look back and blow a kiss..and the fvcker walked right into a pole!! OMG I almost pissed my pants! Holy shit it totally made my morning - I don't remember the last time I actually came into work with a smile on my face. The people on the train must have thought I was crazy because I was laughing to myself the WHOLE time!

Happy New Year to everyone!!