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B!tch on the Street

Days and nights in New York City are tough enough without having to deal with all the sh!t this city dishes up. B!tch on the Street tells the tale of two ladies making their way through this crazy town...one freak at a time.

Friday, December 30, 2005

Happy New Year from BOTS!

In the new year, we resolve to:

1. ATTEMPT to quit smoking.

2. Post more!

3. Stop the rudeness of others.

4. B!tch slap those who don't adhere to our rules!

We've got our eyes on you!

BOTS in 2006 baby!

Happy New Year ya'll...we're suckers for champagne....have some for us!

XOXO,

Kat & Pookie

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Hometown Hero...

Michael Vale

It's no longer time to make the donuts! Poor Michael Vale passed away at the ripe age of 83 on Christmas Eve.

This Brooklyn born babe was best known as Fred the Baker in those classic Dunkin' Donuts ads. Who doesn't remember those commercials?!?

For some reason, none of the death notices are mentioning the fact that Michael also played Sam Breakstone on the Breakstone's commercials.

God Bless you Michael! You're a hometown hero because you fill us with nostalgia like a good Brooklyn boy should.

The Bank...

I hate the bank. I don't even really know why we still need banks and currency and all that jazz. Shouldn't everything be automated? Even my debit card has a "quick swipe" feature that allows me to just wave the card in front of compatible devices (Duane Reade has them!....um, that's like CVS or Walgreens in NYC) and my money is instantly debited.

Alas, we still need that old institution, the bank.

Yesterday, I was given my bonus check. Paltry, but doable. I headed to the bank to deposit said check (why they couldn't direct deposit the damn thing is beyond me). The line for the human tellers was waaaay too long, so I hit the ATM. This particular ATM is in a vestibule so it made it difficult for people to exit the bank due to the ATM line. Some lady came out of the bank and I stepped back for her to exit the building.

She didn't exit.

She stepped in line IN FRONT OF ME.

I know, you're thinking, "Oh, no!" Oh, yes!

Here's how it went:

Kat: The line ends back there.

Idiot: Yes.

Kat: Um, so if you need to use the ATM, you need to get on line. I was standing here.

Idiot: Yes?

Kat: Yes. (it occurs to me at this point that she MAY not speak English, but WTF???)

The line moves and she proceeds to move on up the line still in front of me! I was aghast.

Kat: Lady, you cut me in line. You need to go to the end of the line. (Admittedly, I was feeling a mite immature here...."no cut-sies!")

Idiot: Where?

Then, it happened. Some skeezy man in front of the lady (a man who I was originally behind) says...oh this kills me..."Hey, you can take my place" to the lady.

I said, "No way buddy. I was here first!"

He said, "Well, I'm letting her go first." with a little smirk on his face.

Thankfully, about 4 people behind me were like "Not happening!" "You can't do that!" and whatnot to the guy.

We almost threw fisticuffs!

Then, I left. I knew if I stayed I might lose my sh!t.

So here I am. Me and my bonus check.

Sigh.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Christmas Burnout...

Well, another Christmas has come and gone. I spent time with my family, which was actually nice and got lots of wonderful presents. I ate a whole lot, drank a whole lot (and smoked a whole lot...cough cough). And now....here I am at work. What a downer! I miss Christmas already!

Here's something that lightened my Christmas burnout...hope it does the same for you...

http://www.bordergatewayprotocol.net/jon/humor/web_animations/1.swf

Merry Kwaanza!

Friday, December 23, 2005

Merry Christmas from BOTS!


Merry Christmas everyone!!! BOTS is on vacation until Tuesday.

Be good or you won't get no goodies!

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Um, Yeaaaaaahhhh.....

Well, my glorious work at home days are up, apparently. My evil, Christmas hating, not giving a sh!t about the transit strike boss has made me come in to work.

She is the female Lumberg. While I was out yesterday (yeah, it's SUPPOSED to be working from home, but I had sh!t to do....like laundry and fighting with gays in the pizzaria), she left me a message. If I knew how to add that sh!t via audio file to this post, I would, but here's how it went:

She Lumberg: "Um, yeaaaaah....Kat? This is She-Devil (OK, she didn't really say that, but let's just call her that, OK?). Um...........I thought you'd beeeeee there.....

(long pause)

So........um......if you're there....pick up the phooooone.

(second long pause)

OK......ahhhhh......well I just wanted to let you know that I'm going to need you to go ahead and come IN to the office tomorrowwwwww. It's just that, you know, working from home IS an option, but since you do liiiiiiiiiive in the city, it might make sense to have you come in and let some of the others work from hoooooooome.

OK, I guess you're not picking up....so......"

Then, my machine cut that b!tch off.

What a whore.

I didn't even call her a$$ back. I figured I'd let her sweat about whether or not I'd show up. I almost called in sick too, but I think I'll save that one for tomorrow!

So here I am. After schlepping 20 blocks. At least someone brought donuts.....mmmmmm donuts.........

Happy almost Christmas ya'll!!!

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

"Throw Roger from the train! "

This is the editorial from today's Daily News and I couldn't have said this shit better myself! Roger Toussaint is the head of the local TWU and I must say over the past couple of weeks I've really come to hate this man. He's unreasonable, irrational and he's leading the union that trusted him into ruin. So read on my friends...this just about says it all.


"Roger Toussaint, we dare you to take to the Brooklyn Bridge this morning to tell the cold, walking throngs why you chose to disrupt the lives of millions, jacked up the expenses of tens of thousands, shuttered and crimped businesses, exposed the subway system to terrorism and generally threatened the public health and welfare.
It would be delicious watching you try to justify the reckless, lawless transit strike that you have inflicted on the city - assuming your fellow New Yorkers didn't hurl you over the railing into the icy waters before you got a word out. For this town, a labor town, is seething at getting hammered for no good reason.
The rage will only build as the public gets the full picture of how Toussaint rashly led the Transport Workers Union away from the bargaining table despite winning concession after concession from the Metropolitan Transportation Authority. The most furious of all should be the 33,700 workers who are on the street without paychecks and facing huge penalties for violating the Taylor Law.
They are about to lose thousands of dollars each - and their union will be financially broken by $1 million-a-day fines - unless they pressure Toussaint to return them to service, having gained all they are ever going to gain through his extortion. Remarkably, the president of the TWU International is urging the transit workers to go back to work on their own, en masse. And well they should, because the makings of a good deal await them.
The MTA wanted a two-year contract, while the union wanted a three-year deal. The MTA made it three years.
The union rejected raises of 3% a year. The MTA bumped yearly hikes to 3%, 4% and 3.5%, which compound to 11% over the life of the contract.
The union asked for more money. The MTA added a 0.5% bonus.
The union proposed Martin Luther King Day as a paid holiday, giving the workers 12 a year. The MTA agreed.
The union accused the MTA of subjecting large numbers of employees to arbitrary punishments. The MTA proposed hiring an independent consultant to recommend disciplinary system reforms.
The union balked at having new workers - and only new workers - contribute 1% of their salaries for health insurance. The MTA dropped the idea even though skyrocketing health costs are fueling a deficit projected at almost $1 billion.
And there was progress even on the most difficult issue: pensions. Transit workers now contribute 2% of salary to pensions and can retire at half pay after 25 years on the job at age 55. The costs are bankrupting the MTA and driving up fares. That's why the agency proposed requiring newly hired workers to stay on the job until age 62 and to kick in 3%.
When the TWU adamantly opposed raising the retirement age, the MTA retreated to 55 and both sides began discussing whether new workers should contribute 3%, 5% or 6%, and for how long. But Toussaint abruptly ended the talks, and the strike was on. So irrational was his action that a third of Toussaint's executive board voted against the walkout, and TWU International President Michael O'Brien is calling on the strikers "to report to work."
Any fair reading of the record demonstrates that MTA Chairman Peter Kalikow negotiated in good faith, met Toussaint more than halfway and was prepared to keep the discussions going for as long as they took. Toussaint, meanwhile, betrayed his members and the city in an act of madness."

Original Article

Oh No You Didn't....

Due to the transit strike and my own pure laziness, I'm working from home today. That means I get to watch TV, smoke anywhere I want, eat whenever I want and have any friends I feel like come over! And I get paid to do this!

I realized this morning that I had really no food to speak of and went out at lunch time for....guess what...pizza, of course!!!!

The place I go to is very small, but gets very crowded. I've had more than a few confrontations at this place because b!tches just don't know how to act.

Today, I ordered a slice and was waiting for it to be heated up. I noticed this man hovering by the crowded counter. He was....very feminine, in a suit and had his hair all gelled up. In other words, I believe he was gay. Whatev, I have no problems with that, but he kept flitting (that's the most accurate description) around.

Finally the pizza guy says, "Stromboli?" Little man said, "Ohhh...that's mine. Here. Me!! Over here!!!!" and prances up beside me to an open spot to get his food from the pizza guy. I, being the courteous person I am, stepped back so he'd have room to leave the area. All he had to do was turn around and go behind me to get to the register.

What did this little Mary do? He turned around. Looked to my left and right and said, "Um, hellllo, I need to get byyyyyyy." in his queer very much overly affected tone.

I said, "Um helllllooo...walk right behind me?"

He paused for a second, rolled his eyes, and then went behind me. But here's the best part:
As he walked by he said, "Get a job!"

I literally laughed out loud. I've never heard someone say that to me and it was just so funny coming from this guy.

I said, "Get a set!" cheerfully.

He turned around and said, "A set of WHAT exactly?" with a big sneer on his face.

"BALLS! You idiot!" Then I really laughed. I fully enjoyed the fact that almost everyone around us was laughing too. Even the pizza guy!

I forgot my phone at home so I couldn't snap this tool's picture, but the attached pic is a close representation.

A set of what? BA HA HA HA HA HA!

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Is This Sh!t For Real?

http://www.thebestofblogs.com/category/general-info/?p=6

Someone says we're nominated.

I'll b!tch slap them if we don't win!

UPDATE: Just found out that Kelly nominated us for "Snarkiest Blog". Thanks Nello!

You Selfish Fvcks!

Oh, we are so mad! How can there be a transit strike? The union spokesperson says, "Transit workers are tired of being underappreciated and disrespected."

Guess what, asshole? We're tired of it too. We're tired of dirty, smelly subways. We're tired of garbage all over our stations. We're tired of busses that don't show up when they're supposed to. We're tired of express trains that take longer than local trains to get us to where we need to go. We're tired of conductors who mumble announcements. We're tired of transit workers who are totally not helpful. But most of all, we're tired of paying $2.00 to get this sh!tty service.

How dare you selfish fvckers go on strike? 5 days before Christmas, no less.

So the MTA has a $1 billion surplus. And you want some of the action. So do we! How about putting the fare back down to $1.50?

So you want to retire at 50. Who doesn't? I have to wait until I'm 62...you should too.

So you want a guarantee of a 28% raise over the next three years. Yeah, me too. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN...for me or you.

So you don't want to pay for medical benefits. Me either, but I do.

I had to walk 20 blocks today. 20 BLOCKS! And...it's 20 fvcking degrees outside.

Thanks....for nothing...as usual.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Typhoid Mary...


Today I was on the train and some b!tch kept coughing and sniffling all up in my grill. What the fvck? Cover your mouth, b!tch! She was just letting loose all over the place. I watched 2 people that were sitting beside her get up and move because of her germy ass.

So after she sneezed for like the 10th time and sniffled all grossly, I finally said, "Do you need a tissue?" She sniffed and said, "No." Not "no, thanks", just "no".

Because of that I said, "Maybe if you used tissues, you wouldn't be spreading your illness all over everyone else.

She said, "Fvck you."

I said, "You too. Merry Fvcking Christmas."

Then I got off at my stop.

Illin' b!tch!

Friday, December 16, 2005

B!tches We Hate...

Tyra Banks

We've never been a huge fan of Tyra, or cared much about her at all. However, once America's Next Top Model started, so did our hatred. Tyra is such an idiot. She tries to be all down-home, girl-next-door, but she's really just a b!tch. She thrives on judging these little air head girls and ripping their little modeling hearts out. Remember when she screamed at that one girl who didn't "try hard enough" but she was from the straight up ghetto (I'm talking south, south Bronx) and really didn't know better? What a supreme hater Tyra is! Maybe she should have tried to school the girl instead of calling her out all nastily.

I enjoy seeing the E! True Hollywood Story about her when they show her as an awkward teen. She was really tall and skinny and looked like an alien. Tyra claims that this time in her life was terrible because other kids (and even adults) made fun of how she looked. Oh boo hoo you stupid b!tch! You're rich now!

For me, the hatred got to the next level with Tyra when her talk show started. What a piece of sh!t show. Jenny Jones was better than this b!tch! The best (read: worst) episode I've seen is the one where Tyra donned a fat suit to show the world how we discriminate against large members of society. Then, the clincher, she brought in REAL fat women and sat there and cried to them about how hard it was for her to go through that. HELLO!!! YOU were able to take the fat suit off....they weren't! Again, all we can say is what a b!tch. That's why Tyra is a B!tch We Hate!

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Hometown Hero


Ed Koch

This Bronx-born senior was Mayor of New York City from 1978-1989. I got to thinking about him because of the pending NYC transit strike. I read a story today that said that Ed was in the midst of the last strike (which was in 1980) when he looked out of the downtown police headquarters window to see people walking over the Brooklyn Bridge to get to work. Word has it that Ed ran out to the bridge (and then went to every other bridge) and yelled, "Keep walking, New York. Don't let the bastards shut us down!" That's hot!

There has always been speculation that Ed is a brownie hound, but he denies it. He's said, "As I say in my book, my answer to questions on this subject is simply 'Fuck off'. There have to be some private matters left." You have to love a tough talking NYC mayor!

You go Ed! You're the mayor we grew up with and for that...you, my sexually ambiguous former mayor, are a Hometown Hero.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

The Pole Hog

It is ass biting, nose-hair-freezing cold in NYC today. I left my apartment and got to the train station in record time! Nothing like 10F weather to get my ass moving. So anyway, I got to the train station and amazingly enough, a train pulls up just as I get to the platform. Not only that but this train is relatively empty - Christmas miracle? Now by relatively empty I mean all the seats were taken but there was plenty of room for people to stand. I was standing at the center pole and this bitch gets on at the next stop and she grabs onto the same pole as me. I'm just minding my own business reading my book. Next thing I know the bitch turns around and is leaning against the pole - leaning against MY HAND! It's early in the morning and my mind is still a little fuzzy, so I just try moving my hand around so she knows that she's leaning on my hand - nothing! The bitch just would NOT move. So now I say "Excuse me" and.....she doesn't even so much as glance in my direction! Now I'm really pissed. So I tap her with the hand that isn't trapped under her bulk - "EXCUSE ME". She finally turns around and I say "would you mind not leaning on my hand?" She didn't even respond!! Then I lost it. " Hello - get the fvck off my hand!" She then turns around, looks at me and says "Look I'm tired". Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't realize you were tired. Then by all means just lean on my hand! BITCH! Thank god at that moment a seat opened up and you know this BOTS just about killed herself beating that bitch to the seat! Normally I wouldn't care because I don't have all that far to go. She was giving me the look of death and I looked up and said "Thank god a seat opened up I'm soooo tired!" Don't fvck with a BOTS before she's had her morning coffee - BITCH!

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

The Sh!tter...


This post was inspired by our friend over at Help Me Bubba. I was hesitant to foray into the arena of bathroom posts, but she really helped me overcome that with her witty (albeit graphic) post regarding a bathroom situation. So today, I bring to you....The Sh!tter.

The Sh!tter is a woman that I work with. She's older. Not too old. Around 50 maybe. Any time I go into the ladies room at work, she's in there. Doing her business. Loudly. Smellily. Disgustingly. I don't know what her health issue with this is (I know there must be one...no one sh!ts that much!), but it's really annoying.

If I happen to go to the ladies room and find it empty, I can rest assured that The Sh!tter is not far behind and will soon join me.

She has no bathroom couth.

Now, I have some personal bathroom etiquette that I abide by and I'd like to pass this wisdom on to you:
  1. If someone is in the last stall (the sh!t stall), leave them be. Even if it is The Sh!tter, who is ALWAYS in the last stall. Get in and out as fast as you can. Do not stay in the bathroom talking or doing your hair or makeup.
  2. Do not get into an empty stall beside an occupied stall. Leave at least one stall in between. We all like a little privacy.
  3. If the bathroom is, shall we say, pungent, don't remark on it. See rule 1 re: getting in and out. I was victimized by The Sh!tter once again a few months ago and after she left, another lady came in and said, "Ew! Did you do that?" Um.....WHAT? Even if I did, are you kidding me asking that???
  4. If you are the creator of the pungent smell, utilize the oft forgotten courtesy flush (or flushes if you have to). It really does make a difference.
  5. If you need to go...I mean GO, and there is someone else already in there, do NOT start your process. You must leave and wait for that person to exit. Nothing ruins private time like a Mexican standoff (nothing racist here, just a saying) in the bathroom...seeing who gives in first just leads to awkwardness.

I'd love to get all BOTS on The Sh!tter, but it's not my place. The ladies room is a strange universe where even this B!tch must abide by certain mores. I would also love to leave a can of Lysol or NutriAir on her desk for her to bring to the bathroom, but that would just be too mean. Even I can't go that far.

Thanks for letting me vent (pun intended).

Monday, December 12, 2005

If Mama Ain't Happy...


This weekend, I went to do some more holiday shopping. I walked past this craft-type store and saw a cute little sign that I know my grandmother would love. It said, "If mama ain't happy...Ain't nobody happy."

I commented to my friend, "Oh, look at that sign! Nana would love it!" He agreed and we headed in to get the sign. On our way to the corner of the store by the window, we browsed a little and took our time getting to the sign. Some woman was totally up our asses the entire time. She kept trying to dart past us but kept getting blocked (it was a very small aisle). My friend said, "Excuse you!" after she bumped into him. She said (very venomously), "Well, excuuuuuse me!" She then pushed past us and walked directly over to MY SIGN. She picked it up, and took off toward the back of the store as fast as she could.

Well, you know this BOTS freaked. I mean, I lost it. "That stupid fvcking b!tch knew we wanted that and she went and grabbed it." I loudly proclaimed. My friend saw that look in my eyes and said, "Um, I'm going to go ask the clerk if they have any more." I headed to the back of the store.

I dashed through the aisles past little country kitchen type sh!t, hand-made butter churners and the like, to look for that b!tch. As I looked, I ran into my friend. He looked a little scared. I said, "Don't tell me...that was the last one?". He nodded helplessly and I pulled him along in my quest for revenge.

Suddenly, he stopped short. "Look!" There it was! My sign! She had put it down at the back of the store! We approached quietly. I looked up and down the aisle it was in. There she was! Looking at Christmas ornaments not 10 feet away from the sign. I swiftly walked over to the sign, picked it up, and said, "Oh THERE it is! How did this get from the window all the way back here?"

The b!tch whirled around. "That's mine!" she said. I blinked innocently. "Well, you weren't holding it. It's right here for anyone to buy." She approached quickly. "I just put it down to look at ornaments." I looked her straight in the eye and said, "I guess what goes around, comes around huh?" My friend pulled my arm and we started walking to the cashier. The b!tch didn't say one word. She knew she was wrong.

Once again, good triumphs over evil! I was elated! Christmas joy filled my soul as I thought of Nana chuckling over her sign and that b!tch going home signless.

I need help...

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Lest We Forget...


It's December 7th, kids.

Pearl Harbor Day.

Probably because we've been through our own "Day of Infamy" in NYC, BOTS feels it's important to remember Pearl Harbor Day.

The Dec. 7, 1941, surprise attack on Pearl Harbor and other military bases on Oahu, HI lasted two hours, leaving 21 U.S. ships heavily damaged and 323 aircraft damaged or destroyed. It killed 2,390 people and wounded 1,178.

I think we all can imagine (way too clearly) how horrible that day must have been (sh!t, that day is the reason we got involved in World War II for Christ's sake!). The picture I attached is very graphic (in my opinion) and maybe someone who was there feels about it the way I do about pictures of the burning Twin Towers--I can't bear to look. But I also can't bear to forget.

Basically, I feel if we remember the seriousness of this event and the pain suffered, it somehow cosmically makes things a little better. Maybe not, but do it anyway!

OK, getting off my soap box now.

Quote of the day..

It's been way too long since there was a quote of the day so....

"Everyone has this sense of togetherness right now. For example, one guy on the subway today, he wanted to share my pants. " - David Letterman

My Apologies

To the woman I nailed with my bag this morning! Per usual I was running late and of course when you're late everything goes wrong. For some reason the train was absolutely packed today, always puts me in a good mood when I have to ride with an elbow in my back and some guy with really bad morning breath breathing in my face the whole time. So I finally get to my stop and fight my way off the train. Work has been killing me as of late and my work bag is considerably heavier than it usually is. So as I'm adjusting the bag on my shoulder it gets caught in the bulk of my winter coat. The whole time I'm doing this I'm actually running for the stairs because I'm now 20 minutes late and I really need to be at work on time. So I give the bag one last good tug and I hear a very loud grunt behind me at the same time that I feel my bag connecting with something solid....oops! I turn around offer apologies and the woman looks ready to go into a full on rant. So what did this BOTS do? "I'm so sorry" and I then I booked it! I really did feel terrible but I just didn't have time to listen to it. It was an accident and if the b*tch hadn't been walking so closely behind me it wouldn't have happened at all. So she's partly to blame right? Right? Damn I need another cup of coffee.

Monday, December 05, 2005

Two for the Price of One!

Just a quick line since I have two seconds. My office has no heat today.

That's right....NO heat.

Someone in building services "forgot" to turn the heat on for the building, so there are 40 floors of freezing people here.

Can we go home? No.

Can we wear all of our winterwear indoors? Yes.

Fun.

Kat's first words to supervisor when she learns of this predicament? "What fvckwad made this happen? Don't we pay rent?"

What did the supervisor say? "Well, that's not a very positive outlook for a Monday morning!"

Kat (on the inside): "Fvck you you stupid b!tch. My t!ts are freezing off you dumb whore! I hate Monday's because I have to look at your ugly craw."

Kat (on the outside): "Yeah, I guess not." (shiver, shiver)

Killer Babies....


This weekend, Pookie and I (and Carmie....who we found out thinks the so-called "FBI" is a sham) went out and did some holiday shopping.

Where does a New Yorker who really wants to shop go? New Jersey of course! No sales tax on clothing!

While we were at this suburban mega mall, we noticed a common occurance. Babies in strollers being used as weapons! Moms, Dads, Grandparents...it didn't matter. They all used those strollers to clear paths, break up crowds, and generally annoy everyone. All three of us were bumped by strollers on separate occasions during the day. The worst part is that when I went to tell off the asshat that hit me, I turned around to find little Junior staring at me all cute and whatnot. Damn those cute faces! The drivers of these death machines KNOW that when they hit someone, the vicitm will turn around, see the cute kid, and let it go.

No more, I say! From now on, if a stroller hits me, I'm going to haul off and slap the kid. That'll stop them!

Yeah, right....that's in dreamworld. Imagine that! I'd have the cops on me in no time....but a girl can wish, can't she.

Hey, stroller drivers, this one is for you: Be considerate of those of us who care about their ankles! Watch where you push that thing!