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B!tch on the Street

Days and nights in New York City are tough enough without having to deal with all the sh!t this city dishes up. B!tch on the Street tells the tale of two ladies making their way through this crazy town...one freak at a time.

Monday, October 31, 2005

Quote of the Day

My last Halloween quote. Truly a terrifying movie! This shit is great! If you have never seen the Silence of the Lambs you are missing out!


Jame "Buffalo Bill" Gumb: It rubs the lotion on its skin. It does this whenever it is told.
Catherine Martin: Mister... my family will pay cash. Whatever ransom you're askin' for, they pay it.
Jame "Buffalo Bill" Gumb: It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again. [to his dog, Precious]
Jame "Buffalo Bill" Gumb: Yes, it will, Precious, won't it? It will get the hose!
Catherine Martin: Okay... okay... okay. Mister, if you let me go, I won't - I won't press charges I promise. See, my mom is a real important woman... I guess you already know that.
Jame "Buffalo Bill" Gumb: Now it places the lotion in the basket.
Catherine Martin: Please! Please I wanna go home! I wanna go home please!
Jame "Buffalo Bill" Gumb: It places the lotion in the basket.
Catherine Martin: I wanna see my mommy! Please I wanna see my...
Jame "Buffalo Bill" Gumb: Put the fucking lotion in the basket!

Happy Halloween, Beeyotches!


God rocks because it's supposed to be 68 degrees today in NYC!!!!

There's nothing like unusually warm weather on Halloween. It makes the Greenwich Village Halloween Parade revelers even more fun and crazy!

If you live here, you'd better get your ass a costume and get the hell to the parade. It is something everyone MUST do. If you don't live here, we feel sorry for you. Halloween in NYC is the best.

Remember kids, check your candy for pins and razors!!!

Happy Halloween.

Love,
B!tch on the Street

Friday, October 28, 2005

Recipe for Disaster

Breakfast: Eggwhite Omlet

Lunch: Starbucks Coffee and Rice Krispy Treat (because I had so much work to do and a meeting to get to, no time to stop and get an actual lunch)

Dinner: Nothing that can really be called dinner mostly it was me chasing down the waiters walking around with trays of finger food at the corporate party that I attended yesterday.

Alcohol Consumption: Ummm, a lot? 4 Cosompolitans; a glass of wine, and maybe 3 shots (for me that's a hell of a lot) Oh god, I know better than to mix things! It always seems like such a good idea at the time!

Results: One tired, sore (Oh yeah I was a dancin' machine!) and slightly hungover pookie.

And yet, I'm sure I'll do it all over again. Will I ever learn? Probably not but damn is it fun!

The Grubber


So the guy you see here in the black jacket walked by Pookie and me today. We were enjoying our post lunch cigarettes, minding our own business.

He said, "Hey, someone have a cigarette for me?"

Now, when you have two BOTS in one place and you're rude....you're in BIG trouble.

Pookie said, "Hey?" Really, what way is that to address two lovely ladies?

I said, "Um....how about...NO!"

He moved along very quickly.

Here's some advice for grubbers. If you want a smoke...go buy one. That shit is almost $8 here in NYC!!! Don't ask people you don't even know for a cigarette. If you can't hold out and MUST ask, at least ask nicely. We probably would have given this loser 2 cigarettes if he'd approached it differently.

Double b!tch slap for him!

Quote of the Day...

Seeing Jack Nicholson in this film still gives me the chills every time I watch it. What a classic!

"Jack Torrance: Mr. Grady. You were the caretaker here. I recognize ya. I saw your picture in the newspapers. You, uh, chopped your wife and daughters up into little bits. And then you blew your brains out.
Grady: That's strange, sir. I don't have any recollection of that at all."

Thursday, October 27, 2005

In Response to Kat

smoked a cigarette

crashed a friend's car

stolen a car we just borrowed it...

been in love

been dumped

shoplifted Ah....remember getting busted in Pathmark Pookie for stealing lipsticks? LOL -oh yeah I remember that - I'm sure my parents remember it fondly

been fired

been in a fist fight

snuck out of your parent's house

had feelings for someone who didn't have them back

been arrested - no but i've come damn close!

gone on a blind date

lied to a friend

skipped school

seen someone die--No! Thank God!

had a crush on one of your internet friends

been to Canada - I know it's terrible but I've never been there

been to Mexico

been on a plane

purposely set a part of yourself on fire you never set your sock on fire to watch the fuzzy balls go up in quick flames and then die out??? This was usually done after a long smoking session!

eaten sushi

been jet-skiing

met someone in person from the internet--

been moshing at a concert Believe it or not, we used to be rocker chicks!

taken pain killers I still do if the mood strikes!

loved and missed someone

made a snow angel

had a tea party

flown a kite

built a sand castle

gone puddle jumping

played dress up

jumped in a pile of leaves

gone sledding

cheated while playing a game

been lonely

fallen asleep at work or school

used a fake id who hasnt?

watched a sun set

felt an earthquake

touched a snake

slept beneath the stars

been robbed--
....
been misunderstood

petted a reindeer/goat

won a contest

run a red light/stop sign I don't condone this, but when you gotta go, you gotta go. Plus, there ain't no "Right On Red" in NYC.

been suspended from school - Never! I was a good girl - Kat was the bad influence!

been in a car accident Again, with Pookie. Remember that dumb ass Pook? Oh hell yeah my back is still screwed up!

eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night - Like Kat no on the ice cream but Yeah I've finished a bottle of champagne on my own - BOTS loves the bubbly!

had deja vu

danced in the moonlight I think I was on LSD though...does that still count? I"m sure I was with Kat during this

liked the way you looked at least at one point in time

witnessed a crime

been obsessed with post-it notes

squished barefoot through the mud

been lost

been on the opposite side of the country

swam in the ocean

cried yourself to sleep

played cops and robbers well who didn't?
recently colored with crayons I was at the Crayola factory recently - fun!

sung karaoke maybe you've heard of us? The Off Keys were regulars at a downtown dive!

paid for a meal with only coins paid for meals, cigarettes, beer....you name it.

done something you told yourself you wouldn't almost every day.

made prank phone calls Pookie and I were PRANK CALL MASTERS! For years. Even in college!

laughed until some kinda beverage came out of your nose Milk is the worst/grossest. Or soda....those bubbles totally clear your nasal passages!

caught a snow flake on your tongue

written a letter to Santa Claus

been kissed under the mistletoe by your boy/girlfriend

watched the sun rise with someone you care about

blown bubbles it's sad if you have never done this.

made a bonfire on the beach

laughed so hard you pee your pants

cheated on a test

been kissed by someone you didn't like gross, but I'm sort of slutty. she is kind of slutty! :o)

gone skinny dipping in a pool

Quote of the Day

I saw this movie once and I refuse to watch it again. Static on the TV still gives me the chills....

"You start to play it and it's like somebody's nightmare. And then this woman comes on, smiling at you, right? Seeing you... through the screen. Then when it's over, your phone rings, someone knows you watched the tape... and what they say is, "You will die in seven days". The Ring

Have you ever...

FreakinRican stole, rather borrowed w/o permission, this from Blonde Justice so I straight up stole it from him!

To play, just cut & paste the list to your blog, and bold any of the ones that are true.

smoked a cigarette

crashed a friend's car

stolen a car we just borrowed it...

been in love

been dumped

shoplifted Ah....remember getting busted in Pathmark Pookie for stealing lipsticks?

been fired

been in a fist fight

snuck out of your parent's house

had feelings for someone who didn't have them back Brad is just an asshole anyway, so it didn't really matter. Angie can have his sorry ass.

been arrested

gone on a blind date

lied to a friend

skipped school

seen someone die--No! Thank God!

had a crush on one of your internet friends -- I have no internet friends. I may have a crush on Michael K though....

been to Canada

been to Mexico

been on a plane

purposely set a part of yourself on fire you never set your sock on fire to watch the fuzzy balls go up in quick flames and then die out???

eaten sushi

been jet-skiing HATED it

met someone in person from the internet-- Not my thing...

been moshing at a concert Believe it or not, we used to be rocker chicks!

taken pain killers I still do if the mood strikes!

loved and missed someone

made a snow angel

had a tea party

flown a kite

built a sand castle

gone puddle jumping

played dress up

jumped in a pile of leaves

gone sledding

cheated while playing a game

been lonely

fallen asleep at work or school

used a fake id since I was 15!

watched a sun set

felt an earthquake

touched a snake trouser snakes too, baby! Grrrrr...

slept beneath the stars it's overrated.

been robbed--only of my dignity, but that doesn't count here....

been misunderstood

petted a reindeer/goat They have these fainting goats in Napa that I petted AND sometimes at Christmas, they haul Reindeer into Roc Center. I've petted them too.

won a contest I win contests all the time...free Phantom DVDs, coffee mugs, etc...nothing great though.

run a red light/stop sign I don't condone this, but when you gotta go, you gotta go. Plus, there ain't no "Right On Red" in NYC.

been suspended from school yes...in-school suspension. What a gyp!

been in a car accident Again, with Pookie. Remember that dumb ass Pook?

eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night---surprisingly, I don't think I've ever done this. Drank a whole bottle of champagne by myself though....

had deja vu

danced in the moonlight I think I was on LSD though...does that still count?

liked the way you looked at least at one point in time I used to be so hot! Wait....I still am b!tches!

witnessed a crime saw a woman get pickpocketed, watched George Bush get elected president.

questioned your heart

been obsessed with post-it notes I actually am! I love post-its! Especially the colored ones!

squished barefoot through the mud

been lost

been on the opposite side of the country

swam in the ocean

cried yourself to sleep

played cops and robbers well who didn't?

recently colored with crayons they were at the table in a restaurant. I love coloring!

sung karaoke maybe you've heard of us? The Off Keys were regulars at a downtown dive!

paid for a meal with only coins paid for meals, cigarettes, beer....you name it.

done something you told yourself you wouldn't almost every day.

made prank phone calls Pookie and I were PRANK CALL MASTERS! For years. Even in college!

laughed until some kinda beverage came out of your nose Milk is the worst/grossest. Or soda....those bubbles totally clear your nasal passages!

caught a snow flake on your tongue

written a letter to Santa Claus I never showed them to my mom. Therefore, I never got what I wrote....or...maybe it was because I was on the Naughty list.

been kissed under the mistletoe by your boy/girlfriend

watched the sun rise with someone you care about

blown bubbles it's sad if you have never done this.

made a bonfire on the beach

laughed so hard you pee your pants this totally happened like, last week.

cheated on a test multiple times. That's why I have the great career I have today!

been kissed by someone you didn't like gross, but I'm sort of slutty.

gone skinny dipping in a pool /lake Pool only. I'm scared of lakes (whatever's in there ain't getting out....remember Nessie anyone?).

OK, that was maybe too long, but I had fun. And that's what matters most!

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Quote of the Day

"When there's no more room in hell, the dead will walk the earth" - Dawn of the Dead

The Art of Ass Kissing...


I saw these fools when I was at lunch today. The guy who's face I blacked out was all, "I am great. My kids are geniuses. My wife is hot. I just went to Germany to pick up my Beemer and they taught me how to REALLY drive it.." blah blah blah

The worst part was that all of his little lackeys were like, "Oh you are SOOOOO cool! Your kids are so talented/smart/cute! Your wife is so pretty and boy, what a lucky girl she is to have you."

Please, I almost vomited my grape leaves! I wonder if he MADE them sit across from him like an audience would. What a tool!

The one b!tch in the right hand corner totally nailed me taking this picture. In her eyes, I saw shame. True shame at being part of this hopeless ass kissing contest. That's why I didn't hide her face. Look at it. Know it. Avoid it.

If you are going to ass kiss, at least keep your dignity people.

All of these b!tches are b!tch slapped!

Kat Out!

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

A Cube with a View


OK so my company is rapidly expanding and is therefore rapidly running out of places to put people. I was told that my desk was being moved because I was "technically" in desk that was desginated for another department. Now, I happened to really like where I had been sitting because I was really out of view of my manager and not really near any of the annoying co-workers but whatever. So long as I have internet access and they still pay me does it really matter? Well, I am now in a part of the office that I like to refer to as the cave. It's space that should really only be for two cubes - there are three and a half here. It's hot and there's definitely not enough space. However, as my manger likes to point out I do have the best spot back here. Yes it is out of the way and NO ONE can see what I'm working on unless they come right up behind me (works well for my blogging). And of course he's also quick to point out that I now have a window...so I thought I would share my new view with all of you....I am so moving up in the world...don't be jealous...here it is! (sorry it's a little crooked)

Reminder..

I just wanted to remind everyone that, as previously posted, "It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown" will be on tonight at 8/7 C on ABC! You know I'll be snuggled up with a bottle of wine and a bag of candy corn watching this shit! I love it!

Quote of the Day...

"Especially important is the warning to avoid conversations with the demon. We may ask what is relevant but anything beyond that is dangerous. He is a liar. The demon is a liar. He will lie to confuse us. But he will also mix lies with the truth to attack us. The attack is psychological, Damien, and powerful. So don't listen to him. Remember that - do not listen." Father Merrin "The Exorcist"

B!tches We Hate


The Burger King

This muthafucka freaks me out man! I didn't realize until recently that the BK you see here is the BK of the 70's. I saw this b!tch disco dancing in a BK commercial on "I Love the 70's". Now, he's made a comeback. I do not like this version of the king at all!

The other day, the BK near me was doing some promotional thing and they had this big headed fool there handing out coupons.

I almost screamed when I saw him! He's weird and really bugs me out. Therefore, he's a b!tch I hate! Shudder.....

Hometown Hero


Steve Buscemi

What movie HASN'T this Brooklyn born man been in? From playing the roles of Mr. Pink in "Reservoir Dogs" to Crazy Eyes in "Mr. Deeds", he's been everywhere.

I still think of Steve every time I wonder what time McDonald's serves breakfast until (it's 10:30am...I thought it was 11).

He's talented, he's from New York City, and he's a Hometown Hero!

Monday, October 24, 2005

Quote of the Day...

Pookie loves Halloween! So, in honor of one of my favorite holidays (free candy - how can you go wrong!) quotes from scary movies all week!

"I met him, fifteen years ago. I was told there was nothing left. No reason, no conscience, no understanding; even the most rudimentary sense of life or death, good or evil, right or wrong. I met this six-year-old child, with this blind, pale, emotionless face and, the blackest eyes... the DEVIL'S eyes! I spent eight years trying to reach him, and then another seven trying to keep him locked up for I realized what was living behind that boy's eyes was purely and simply... EVIL!"- Dr. Sam Loomis "Halloween"

Friday, October 21, 2005

The Food Bar...Ew!


Today I didn't have much time to grab lunch. I happened to walk by this huge "gourmet" deli and went in. Normally, I'd never go near a food bar since a few years ago they found some dude had been visiting multiple NYC delis with a spray bottle filled with his piss and spraying it on the food. Classic.

I just wanted a quick bite of something hot since it's chilly today. I thought....well, maybe I'll just get a scoop of mac and jack and go.

I approached the food bar timidly. Seriously, it's been like 3 years since I've eaten at a food bar. I walked all around and saw what they had. It looked really good. Very clean. Lots of people there, so I figured it must not be too bad.

Then it happened.

The woman you see in this picture (old lady, left of the food bar) was beside me. As I waited my turn for the mac and jack, she leaned in toward the fresh mozzarella with tomato and proceeded to pick a bit of cheese off WITH HER BARE HAND. I was horrified. But it gets worse. She then reached in, again with her hand, and picked up a piece of chicken from the chicken and broccoli bin! I said, "Excuse me. You're supposed to use the spoons to get what you want and put it in your container." She ignored me. For all I knew, this was her lunch...hand sampling everything at the food bar. I was too tired and she was too old for me to go off.

I put my container down and left the store.

Ew.

Quote of the Day...

Don't know if Pookie is able to post today, so....here's a true Friday post!

Puff puff, give. Puff puff, give. You're fuckin' up the rotation. --Smokey from Friday

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Door Close, Door Close, Door Close


Someone recently told me about some comedian who jokes about how New Yorkers are the only ones who get into elevators and immediately begin hitting the "Door Close" button. How true! I myself am a fan of the old Door Close Move (which is this: get in elevator, select floor, press Door Close...three times...it makes it work faster! That's what I choose to believe anyway). I don't want any more people than necessary on an elevator! This is BOTS for God's sake!

Today I decided to take note of who pressed the Door Close button as I rode up and down in my building all day (hey, I have a LEGAL RIGHT to a smoke break...MULTIPLE smoke breaks). Wouldn't you know that EVERY SINGLE PERSON (minus one weirdo who looked like she was from Waukesha, Wisconsin so she doesn't count) that I saw get into the elevator pressed their floor and then pressed Door Close....repeatedly. One guy did press Door Close, but when a woman stuck her arm in the doors as they were shutting, he quickly hit Door Open. I was impressed with his hand to eye coordination, because I can't tell you how many times I've been in the same situation and accidentally hit Door Close instead of Door Open. Habit, I guess.

You knew New York City was exclusive....you just didn't know how far it went!

Quote of the Day..

"Start every day off with a smile and get it over with." W C Fields

Language Barrier

After a night drunken debauchery with Kat and Carmie, I hailed myself a cab. I have the habit of talking to strange people when I'm drunk even though I know I shouldn't. So what I should do when the cab driver tries to engage me in conversation is really just ignore him other than to give him my destination and the fare. But does Pookie do that? Of course not cause that just wouldn't be Pookie! So, the ride went something like this last night:

Pookie: Take me to (Destination) and use the FDR please.
Cabbie: (In heavily accented English) Yes of course miss.
Pookie: Thank you.
Cabbie: So pretty lady were you out celebrating something?
Pookie: Nothing special - just Hump Day.
Cabbie: What is this Humping Day?
Pookie: Errr Hump Day not Humping. It means Wednesday, you know you're over the hump of the week it's a down hill ride from here.
Cabbie: Ohhhh, I have never heard expression before - is wonderful.
Pookie: Must be an American thing.
Cabbie: So next time I pick up a fare I can ask them "How is your humping day?"
Pookie: Ummm, you need to say HUMP not HUMPING - it means two different things.
Cabbie: Well what is difference?
Pookie: ummm, well, humping is slang for something else.
Cabbie: Is bad word?
Pookie: No, kind of dirty word.
Cabbie: Oh you must tell me what this means.
Pookie: (oh fuck it, I'm almost at my destination) It's another word for sex.
Cabbie: Sex?
Pookie: Yes sex, for two people having sex.

Silence

Cabbie: (Laughing now) Ohhhhh I musn't make that mistake! Then I get not tip.
Pookie: Yes, make sure you say Hump day.
Cabbie: Yes, hump.
Pookie: (thank god I'm at my stop and pay the fare) Good night.
Cabbie: Ok miss, good night and Happy Humping day!

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Hometown Hero


Sean Combs

Puff Daddy, Puffy, P. Diddy, Diddy.....and the cow jumped over the moon.

Whatever this b!tch is calling himself these days, it's fine by BOTS. You know why? Because this NYC born babe is RICH....I am talking R. I. C. H. OK?

He does have drive and ambition, knows how to sample other artists' work really well, can open restaurants that are mediocre at best but do really well anyway, and he puts out clothing lines for young thugs.

But he's a Hometown Hero because he's got the bling....or the ice...or the hizzook up.

More power to you Puff! I mean, P. Wait, that's Diddy. Aw...fuck it, SEAN! You, my friend, are a Hometown Hero.

Now go change your name again.

Quote of the Day

"Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped." Sam Levenson

Bitches We Hate...


I cannot stand Sarah Michelle Gellar! She looks like a rat with that nose and those ears! I've hated her since I first saw her sorry ass on All My Children. She's never put out a decent movie. I can't tell you how upset I was when she didn't die in "I Know What You Did Last Summer". Her husband is a hottie though I don't know how he can stand to listen to the whiny little bitch all day. Maybe he's deaf or has a great set of ear plugs. She's terrible.

It Ain't That Big, Buddy!

So, have you ever sat next to someone on the train (by the way....we New Yorkers call the subway the train. Someone asked BOTS what train we take. We take a lot of trains...so don't do anything rude, or BOTS may get you!) who INSISTS on keeping their legs spread wide open? This seems to be exclusive to the men folk on the train. I mean, the seats are barely big enough as it is. I don't need you sitting there with your legs wide open impeding my limited space even further.

I say to those men who do this....it ain't that big, buddy! So, what gives?


Happy Hump Day ya'll!

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Off the Wagon


Good morning kiddies. You know, I am a born and bred New York City girl, but sometimes, even I fall off the wagon that is this great city. Life is tough here....take today for example...I'm off the wagon today. Here's how it's been so far:
1. I get up to shower and there's no hot water....again. DAMN that super. He said the water was going off at 9. Not 7!
2. After freezing my bazongas off in the shower, I decided to put on one of my best work outfits. Nothing like looking good to feel good. However, when I got on my train this morning, I got bashed by the closing doors (they're not kidding when they tell you to stand clear!) and now have a lovely black stripe down one of my best jackets!
3. In order to get to work in a timely fashion, I need to transfer trains and catch the express which is across the tracks from the train I'm on first. Today, the express was in the station! With glee, I waited by the door for my train to open and allow me to dash happily to the express. Alas, twas not to be. My train held me hostage and I watched others jump on the express. It took off just as my door opened. Sigh.
4. I finally get to my stop (after waiting like 8 minutes for the next express train...WTF????) and ascend to the street. I headed straight to my favorite bagel shop for breakfast. I place the order I've been placing every day for over a year. "Everything toasted with cream cheese, please." "Sorry, no everything today." I swear, this has never happened to me. So I said, "OK, make it a plain with cream cheese then."
5. I get to my workplace, sit down to eat, and take out my plain bagel.....with butter. Ugh.

So that got me thinking my usual Off the Wagon thoughts....I'm done with this sh!thole. I can't take it. If I lived in Montana or New Mexico, life would be different! If I lived in Montana, I could drive to work. There's no speed limit up there, you know? My commute would be great! Driving 100 mph with no other traffic....maybe a moose or 2 in the road, but no biggie. Hell, if I lived in Montana, I could own a ranch and never even leave my own land!

But.....do they have everything bagels in Montana? And...I'm not much of an outdoorsey girl...maybe a ranch isn't for me...

OK, now the mantra: I love NY, I love NY, I love NY, I love NY, I love NY.....

Monday, October 17, 2005

Quote of the Day or Night..

Well it's 10:00PM and I'm STILL at work - don't get me started- so I decided to post the Quote of the Day early since I can't do anything but wait for my system to come back up. Kat, how did we get here? Aren't we meant for something soooo much better than this? I think I'm supposed to be famous or at the very least rich. Shit, here I am rambling on and on and all you want is the quote of the day.....

Murphy's Law

If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.

Now ain't that the damn truth!
One very tired pookie signing off.....

Quote of the Day...

The day isn't even half over yet and I already want a drink!

"Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth. " - George Burns

FYI..


"It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown" will be shown Tuesday, October 25 at 8/7c on ABC. God I love that cartoon! Thanks to Kat for picking up the slack while I was off winning the casino's money!

B!tches We Hate


Rosie O'Donnell

Do I really even need to elaborate? This butch bitch drives me crazy. I think it's because SHE'S crazy. I pity her partner and her children. Imagine hearing that mouth all day! UGH!

She gives New Yorkers a bad name!

Friday, October 14, 2005

Hometown Hero


The Beastie Boys

Check check check check check it out. The Beasties are actually Hometown Heroes. These Brooklyn-born boys rock the mic like no other and that makes them Hometown Heroes!

Keep making the music that makes NY dance boys! BOTS loves ya!

Quote of the Day

Keeping it real for you Pook. Also keeping with the "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" theme!

"Never jump into a pile of leaves with a wet sucker."--Linus VanPelt

Umbrella Etiquette


Good morning boys and girls. It's been raining for a week straight here in NYC so I feel this issue is of timely importance. Today on BOTS, we will discuss the little known, and, even more little practiced, art of umbrella etiquette.

You see, kids, when you live and/or work in New York City, you will need to know how to properly respond to rainy days. If you don't, BOTS may come and bitch slap you. You don't want that do you?

When it is raining, and one has to utilize one's umbrella, it's important to think of the others on the streets that who need to use their umbrellas as well. Here are some key rules of umbrella etiquette:

  1. If you carry one of those really big and long umbrellas with the metal poker at the end, you are an asshole. You're an even bigger asshole if you carry said umbrella folded up and under your arm like a spear. You poke me with that thing, and there'll be hell to pay.
  2. When you are walking down a crowded sidewalk using your umbrella, you must try your best to not hit, poke or stab anyone with your umbrella spokes. This is essential to your own safety and health.
  3. To elaborate on the point above, you should try to gauge the height of others and their umbrellas and then adjust the height of your umbrella accordingly. That way, you can avoid any unseemly encounters with other umbrellas (or eyeballs).
  4. If you do bash someone with your umbrella, excuse yourself. Nothing is worse than getting beaten by some jerk's umbrella and then to have them not say a word of apology.
  5. When you get to a revolving door, FOLD UP YOUR UMBRELLA. You wouldn't believe how many people I have personally seen get stuck in a revolving door with their open umbrellas.
  6. On the subway, again I say FOLD YOUR SHIT UP! Don't wave your wet umbrella around getting the mucky subways even muckier (and more slippery)!
  7. Once inside your destination, do not stand there and quickly open and close your umbrella, hoping to wick off the rain. It doesn't work. All is does is spray others like a wet dog. Get to your final destination, open that shit up and lay it down to dry like a civilized person.

I hope these rules will keep you safe and dry!

Happy Friday ya'll!

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Quote of the Day

For Pookie....who at this very moment may be getting rich!

"I've learned that there are three things you don't discuss with people: Religion, politics, and the Great Pumpkin." ---Linus VanPelt

New Yorkers Don't Do it That Way!


Well, by now you've noticed that I loves me my NY pizza. There is no other like it in this world....not even in Italy (sorry Carmie). So, yesterday, I decided to grab myself a little slice of heaven at my local pizza dive (sometimes those are just the best....after the pizza truck that is, but more on that at another time).

I got my slice and it was steaming hot. I couldn't wait to eat it, so I grabbed myself a plastic knife and fork and started to dig in. The pizza place was full of wet tourists (did you know they sell I Love NY rain ponchos...just like the ones in Disney World? I didn't. They are totally LAME! Buy yourself a fucking umbrella for that $5!...sorry, on a rant there). One man turned to his wife and nudged her. Then, he said to me (with a big shit eating grin on his face), "Miss, I know you're not a New Yorker, because New Yorkers don't do it that way!"

As you know, BOTS does not like being approached by tourists in the wild. However, they are good fodder for this site!

I slowly chewed my pizza and just stared at the man. He kept giggling, but I got the distinct impression that he started to realize that I was indeed a New Yorker. I swallowed, took a sip of my Doc Brown's Black Cherry, and said, "New Yorkers don't do WHAT and in WHAT way?" He said, "Eating pizza with a knife and fork....I'm only joking with you." His wife tried to pull him away to look at the pizza case. I said (in my best BOTS voice), "Do you know what New Yorkers do do?....They mind their own goddamn business." I really said "goddamn" too! The tourists HATE being cursed at. He apologized as his wife gasped and they scurried off.

I kept on eating my slice.

Back off bitches! I'll eat my food any GODDAMN way I want to!

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

B!tches We Hate


John Basedow

It's too rainy on the streets to go bitch at the "normal folk".

Lord, help me. I hate this sonofabitch! He haunts my TV with his "Fitness Made Simple" commercials. C'mon John. We all know that old lady is your mom.

Look at his pecker in this shot.

He is so gross....

Quote of the Day

More from Office Space because I'm actually fighting with my printer today....

"Samir: No, not again. I... why does it say paper jam when there is no paper jam? I swear to God, one of these days, I just kick this piece of shit out the window.
Michael Bolton: You and me both, man. That thing is lucky I'm not armed.
Samir: Piece of shit. "

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

BREAKING NEWS....


Candy Corn is actually made with Crack!

It must be because I can't put this shit down! I may try smoking it later.

Every year, I go through this. I eat candy corn for the entire month of October. I'm talking I eat until my teeth actually hurt. Why else would I do this if not because that shit is made with CRACK!???

Yum....going in for more...this time I'll try holding it in for a little to see what happens.

Kat Out.

Quote of the Day

From one of my favorite movies...

Office Space Quote

"It's not that I'm lazy; it's that I just don't care."

Hometown Hero


Andy Milinokis

Although this Queens-bred man looks like a boy, he's actually 29 years old. He has his own MTV show where his crazy antics are documented. BOTS especially enjoys the skits where Andy is out on the streets of NY talking to anyone who will listen. Andy is one crazy motherfucker, and that makes him....a hometown hero.

Keep on keeping on Andy!

Monday, October 10, 2005

In Fourteen Hundred Ninety Two....


This bitch sailed the ocean blue.....and he found the Caribbean (good job Chris!). However, somehow, we are celebrating his birthday to this day! I mean, the Caribbean is awesome (Jamaica has mad goods yo!), but do we really need a fake holdiday for this guy? Seriously, who has off today? School kids, some banks (the Chase on the corner here is open today) and there's no mail service today. Whoop-de-do. I'm still at work. If this were a real holiday, I'd still be snuggling with my comforter!

At least I can listen to the parade.

Happy Colombus Day ya'll!

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Quote of the day...

More Napoleon! Lucky! (ND style)

Deb: What are you drawing?
Napoleon Dynamite: A liger.
Deb: What's a liger?
Napoleon Dynamite: It's pretty much my favorite animal. It's like a lion and a tiger mixed... bred for its skills in magic.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Quote of the Day...

As promised Napoleon Dynamite all week...

Grandma: How was school?
Napoleon Dynamite: The worst day of my life, what do you think?

Monday, October 03, 2005

Quotes from Napoleon Dyanamite - Cause I love that bitch!

Napoleon all week......

"You know, there's like a butt-load of gangs at this school. This one gang kept wanting me to join because I'm pretty good with a bo staff. " - ND

I shouldn't be allowed to dress myself

This weekend I went shopping and bought myself some new duds at Old Navy. Now I have to attend a wake tonight so I'm leaving straight from work and going there. So this morning I get up get dressed for work putting on my new clothes - of course I think I'm looking pretty good. I get all the way into the city and I stop to get my breakfast. I'm standing online and the woman next to me says "Honey the tag is still on your pants." Of course I'm looking down expecting to see a price tag and she says "No, at the bottom of the leg" - huh? Sure enough I look down and there's the store's security tag that was supposed to go off when I left the store! Now of course this has happened to me before but I must say I've NEVER actually worn the pants and not noticed that the security tag was still on them. OK so now what am I supposed to do? I don't have the receipt with me to prove that I actually bought the pants and the closest Old Navy is pretty far away. And I definitely don't have time to stop home and change - what's a girl to do? I thought maybe one of the stores around here would take pity on me and help me out. I went to no less than 7 stores. Most were sympathetic but used a different kind of security tags. The ones that did use that kind absolutely refused to help me. Come one like I would actually steal the pants, wear them with the security tag attached and THEN go and try and get some one to take them off for me. PLEASE! So low and behold I found the NICEST manager in Modell's Sporting goods of all places. He didn't have the same security system that was on my pants but he went and got a pair of pliers and snapped that fucker off! Ahhhh free at last!! I was so grateful! Now I can walk around and not be embarrassed! Yay! I found another decent person in NYC!! Thanks Modell's Man!